Why Am I Single? Let Me Count The Ways The List

Okay, I was going to get all crazy and right the "recovery" section, but I was cruising some of my favorite sites and noticed that my pal Ciggy from The Cigarette Man Returns had put up a post about being to picky when it comes to women and provided a short list of things that he looks for in a woman. Basically, he doesn't think he's too picky. Go over and tell him what you think. Personally, I think he may be a little quick to judge some women's actions, but hey, I think I'm guilty of it, too.

In the spirit of this project, I thought I'd put up my list of things and challenge the cigarette man to a duel for the pickiest single in the mid-west (cue music from the good, the bad and the ugly).

My Expectations

1) Must be gainfully employed. The only exception to this rule are those that may be recently laid off. In "recent" I mean less than 6 mos. If somebody hasn't figured out what they are going to do after being laid off for more than 6 mos, they are either taking advantage of the system or are in some sort of personal crisis. Okay, second exception may be if they are going to school, but I don't mean the "permanently in school" type either. If they went back to school so they can move up, more power to them. I'm not sure though, that, if they weren't working, I'd still be into it, but, I suppose there are levels of acceptance. Highest level of acceptance would be "employed". I don't care if they are a mechanic, brick layer, doctor, teacher, lawyer, policeman, high power executive, whatever. Just be like the army commercial "All that you can be". One other exception, job hoppers need not apply. Job hoppers are unstable. You know who I mean, people that change jobs every year or more.

2) Valid Driver's License. People that lose their licenses are usually irresponsible. We're talking DUIs and large numbers of unpaid tickets.

3) Must own a car. Any car. It should run. I'm not picky on the year, but ti must be in somewhat of a decent condition. If their are burger wrappers piled up in the passenger side floor board, forget it. If it breaks down every other month and the guy just keeps on keeping on fixing it or just doing enough to keep it running, they are either attached to old things for sentimental reasons (probably have a lot of other personal "baggage") or are just plain out lazy. Go get another car if it sucks that bad. If he can't, then he probably has a problem with number one issue: employment.

4) Not be in or in need of any twelve step programs. Sorry, men with these problems need to get themselves straight before being in a relationship. Otherwise, it's co-dependency and enabling city. On the other hand, maybe I'm just personally selfish, but honestly, I just do not want to deal with that. I'm sure there are stronger and more capable women that can be a help, but it's not me.

5) Must not need to take or currently taking anti-psychotic drugs to regulate their behavior. This just goes along with number four. Again, me being selfish, but it's hard enough dealing with relationships when the person is ostensibly "normal" (is there really any such thing?). By the way, I'm not sure how I feel about people that suffer from mild depression and take prozac or zoloft. That's not as big an issue, but, preferrably no medicinal requirements.

6) Must not live "at home" (ie, with parents). I know what you're thinking, how many men in my "age group" actually live at home? Plenty. It's one thing if they had a recent financial set back and moved back or are taking care of a sick parent, but seriously, if they never leave home or went back for said financial reasons and never left, they have issues with responsibility. I'm too old for irresponsible.

7) If divorced, must be divorced for at least four years or more. Divorces, even "amicable" divorces, are still the end of a relatively long relationship. There are way too many emotions rolling around. I've found that divorcees (both men and women) have a tendency to compare the new person or potential person with their ex spouse. It's a very strong tendency within the first year of divorce and it lessens as it goes on, but it does stay there. Of course, that can be said for long relationships or relationships that had a very significant meaning to the parties involved. It's just that divorcees tend to have a lot more invested in the relationship: money, mutual property, children and most important, a serious commitment. Breaking those things up can be tough on the psyche which cannot help but have effect on future relationships. Also, one would hope that, by the end of four years, if there are children involved, main issues with custody of children have ben resolved. I've seen some ugly things happen over custody battles and, selfish again, I don't care to have to struggle with that.

8) Must be single, period. No "separated". No "I'm in a bad relationship looking to get out". No "honestly, it's over between us I just don't want to leave because of the kids". No "I swear I'm sleeping on the couch". Whatever. Attached men need not apply either. If a guy is in a relationship, no matter how sucky it is, he needs to fix it before he tries to move on. I am not going to be somebody's rebound or facilitator. Worse, I've found that most of these guys just linger on and on with their relationship while the woman hangs on hoping for something to change. Not my personal experience, just some friends that I know. Although, I have heard these lines before, it's just that I usually run like hell when I hear them.

9) Mama's boys need not apply. I mean, if the guy is taking his laundry home to his mom every week, major problemo. I want a guy that is at minimum self reliant. And, I don't want to hear any crap how "mom enjoys doing things for me" kind of stuff. It's one thing if they help out once in awhile, but regular basis is laziness on the part of the guy. I don't want somebody who thinks they are going to marry their mother. I believe in sharing responsibility. Of course, I don't want a guy to do my laundry either. I've already had that experience and my favorite cashmere sweater barely fit my cousin's ten year old when it was done. Thanks, but no thanks. If the guy wants to be helpful, try rinsing the glass out instead of leaving it on the counter so the milk, soda or other substance congeals in the bottom. Ick.

10) Complete slobs need not apply. I must confess, I am not perfect. I've been known to leave the clean towels in the laundry basket for a day or two until I get around to folding them, but, men who cannot bring themselves to scrub their toilet because it's gross or something but then don't have any compunction about using it or the shower while there is an inch of mold (or more) gathering, is just plain ass slobiness. By the way, my other pet peeves include beard hair in the sink (rinse it down please), toothpaste in the sink or on the mirror (please keep your head pointed towards the sink while brushing and rinse it down when you're done), underwear (and other clothes) left in the bathroom or on the floor of the bedroom for more than a few hours. I can't lie either about my own tendencies. I don't make the bed every morning, have a pile of laundry I do once a week (partly due to previous travel programs), don't always remember to set the trash out (but, it's just me, so we're not talking three 30 gallon trash cans) and the truck only gets cleaned out once a month and taken to the car wash (again, traveling can impact this when you have limited time back home; at least that's my excuse). I don't insist someone do more than me just do the minimum to keep the house in some order. I don't even dust once a week. Just once a month, though the vacuum gets more use and so does the mop.

11) Must not have a felony or other criminal record. You know what I'm talking about. Career criminals, axe murderers, embezzlers, stalkers, whatever, don't apply. This goes right into the "trust" issues. Can you trust somebody with that record? They also have problems getting a job, keeping a job, problems with society, a whole host of problems. That is not for me.

12) Followers of David Duke or other extremem political groups need not apply. Do I have to explain this one? Really, I've already enjoyed my one encounter with a racist asshole. And, I do mean "racist" as in not adverse to publically and loudly using the "n" word and a few others. That was on the first date. Sorry, no go there.

Let's see, did I leave anything out? Ciggy talked about physical attributes. Namely obesity. I don't think I've ever been turned on by an obese person before, so I suppose it may be true for me as well. ON the other hand, I really have no fantasies or illusions that some movie star looking character is going to be pounding on my door for a date. I think though, that the other extreme, very skinny men, have never really done anything for me either, so I'll add that as well. Average is okay with me. Greek gods can stay on Mount Olympus and the skinny guys should eat more. I'll stick with "average".

Well, for a quick run down (was that quick?), I think that about sums it up.

Who then, is too picky?