Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Why Am I Single? Let Me Count The Ways

The List

Okay, I was going to get all crazy and right the "recovery" section, but I was cruising some of my favorite sites and noticed that my pal Ciggy from The Cigarette Man Returns had put up a post about being to picky when it comes to women and provided a short list of things that he looks for in a woman. Basically, he doesn't think he's too picky. Go over and tell him what you think. Personally, I think he may be a little quick to judge some women's actions, but hey, I think I'm guilty of it, too.

In the spirit of this project, I thought I'd put up my list of things and challenge the cigarette man to a duel for the pickiest single in the mid-west (cue music from the good, the bad and the ugly).

My Expectations

1) Must be gainfully employed. The only exception to this rule are those that may be recently laid off. In "recent" I mean less than 6 mos. If somebody hasn't figured out what they are going to do after being laid off for more than 6 mos, they are either taking advantage of the system or are in some sort of personal crisis. Okay, second exception may be if they are going to school, but I don't mean the "permanently in school" type either. If they went back to school so they can move up, more power to them. I'm not sure though, that, if they weren't working, I'd still be into it, but, I suppose there are levels of acceptance. Highest level of acceptance would be "employed". I don't care if they are a mechanic, brick layer, doctor, teacher, lawyer, policeman, high power executive, whatever. Just be like the army commercial "All that you can be". One other exception, job hoppers need not apply. Job hoppers are unstable. You know who I mean, people that change jobs every year or more.

2) Valid Driver's License. People that lose their licenses are usually irresponsible. We're talking DUIs and large numbers of unpaid tickets.

3) Must own a car. Any car. It should run. I'm not picky on the year, but ti must be in somewhat of a decent condition. If their are burger wrappers piled up in the passenger side floor board, forget it. If it breaks down every other month and the guy just keeps on keeping on fixing it or just doing enough to keep it running, they are either attached to old things for sentimental reasons (probably have a lot of other personal "baggage") or are just plain out lazy. Go get another car if it sucks that bad. If he can't, then he probably has a problem with number one issue: employment.

4) Not be in or in need of any twelve step programs. Sorry, men with these problems need to get themselves straight before being in a relationship. Otherwise, it's co-dependency and enabling city. On the other hand, maybe I'm just personally selfish, but honestly, I just do not want to deal with that. I'm sure there are stronger and more capable women that can be a help, but it's not me.

5) Must not need to take or currently taking anti-psychotic drugs to regulate their behavior. This just goes along with number four. Again, me being selfish, but it's hard enough dealing with relationships when the person is ostensibly "normal" (is there really any such thing?). By the way, I'm not sure how I feel about people that suffer from mild depression and take prozac or zoloft. That's not as big an issue, but, preferrably no medicinal requirements.

6) Must not live "at home" (ie, with parents). I know what you're thinking, how many men in my "age group" actually live at home? Plenty. It's one thing if they had a recent financial set back and moved back or are taking care of a sick parent, but seriously, if they never leave home or went back for said financial reasons and never left, they have issues with responsibility. I'm too old for irresponsible.

7) If divorced, must be divorced for at least four years or more. Divorces, even "amicable" divorces, are still the end of a relatively long relationship. There are way too many emotions rolling around. I've found that divorcees (both men and women) have a tendency to compare the new person or potential person with their ex spouse. It's a very strong tendency within the first year of divorce and it lessens as it goes on, but it does stay there. Of course, that can be said for long relationships or relationships that had a very significant meaning to the parties involved. It's just that divorcees tend to have a lot more invested in the relationship: money, mutual property, children and most important, a serious commitment. Breaking those things up can be tough on the psyche which cannot help but have effect on future relationships. Also, one would hope that, by the end of four years, if there are children involved, main issues with custody of children have ben resolved. I've seen some ugly things happen over custody battles and, selfish again, I don't care to have to struggle with that.

8) Must be single, period. No "separated". No "I'm in a bad relationship looking to get out". No "honestly, it's over between us I just don't want to leave because of the kids". No "I swear I'm sleeping on the couch". Whatever. Attached men need not apply either. If a guy is in a relationship, no matter how sucky it is, he needs to fix it before he tries to move on. I am not going to be somebody's rebound or facilitator. Worse, I've found that most of these guys just linger on and on with their relationship while the woman hangs on hoping for something to change. Not my personal experience, just some friends that I know. Although, I have heard these lines before, it's just that I usually run like hell when I hear them.

9) Mama's boys need not apply. I mean, if the guy is taking his laundry home to his mom every week, major problemo. I want a guy that is at minimum self reliant. And, I don't want to hear any crap how "mom enjoys doing things for me" kind of stuff. It's one thing if they help out once in awhile, but regular basis is laziness on the part of the guy. I don't want somebody who thinks they are going to marry their mother. I believe in sharing responsibility. Of course, I don't want a guy to do my laundry either. I've already had that experience and my favorite cashmere sweater barely fit my cousin's ten year old when it was done. Thanks, but no thanks. If the guy wants to be helpful, try rinsing the glass out instead of leaving it on the counter so the milk, soda or other substance congeals in the bottom. Ick.

10) Complete slobs need not apply. I must confess, I am not perfect. I've been known to leave the clean towels in the laundry basket for a day or two until I get around to folding them, but, men who cannot bring themselves to scrub their toilet because it's gross or something but then don't have any compunction about using it or the shower while there is an inch of mold (or more) gathering, is just plain ass slobiness. By the way, my other pet peeves include beard hair in the sink (rinse it down please), toothpaste in the sink or on the mirror (please keep your head pointed towards the sink while brushing and rinse it down when you're done), underwear (and other clothes) left in the bathroom or on the floor of the bedroom for more than a few hours. I can't lie either about my own tendencies. I don't make the bed every morning, have a pile of laundry I do once a week (partly due to previous travel programs), don't always remember to set the trash out (but, it's just me, so we're not talking three 30 gallon trash cans) and the truck only gets cleaned out once a month and taken to the car wash (again, traveling can impact this when you have limited time back home; at least that's my excuse). I don't insist someone do more than me just do the minimum to keep the house in some order. I don't even dust once a week. Just once a month, though the vacuum gets more use and so does the mop.

11) Must not have a felony or other criminal record. You know what I'm talking about. Career criminals, axe murderers, embezzlers, stalkers, whatever, don't apply. This goes right into the "trust" issues. Can you trust somebody with that record? They also have problems getting a job, keeping a job, problems with society, a whole host of problems. That is not for me.

12) Followers of David Duke or other extremem political groups need not apply. Do I have to explain this one? Really, I've already enjoyed my one encounter with a racist asshole. And, I do mean "racist" as in not adverse to publically and loudly using the "n" word and a few others. That was on the first date. Sorry, no go there.

Let's see, did I leave anything out? Ciggy talked about physical attributes. Namely obesity. I don't think I've ever been turned on by an obese person before, so I suppose it may be true for me as well. ON the other hand, I really have no fantasies or illusions that some movie star looking character is going to be pounding on my door for a date. I think though, that the other extreme, very skinny men, have never really done anything for me either, so I'll add that as well. Average is okay with me. Greek gods can stay on Mount Olympus and the skinny guys should eat more. I'll stick with "average".

Well, for a quick run down (was that quick?), I think that about sums it up.

Who then, is too picky?


Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files said...

Most of those are good ideas for adding to my list, the ones I don't already mention, LOL. My roommate does all the house cleaning as partial rent to me, but I should probably bitch at her some more about the shower. I was supposed to remodel it this year because some of those grout stains won't come out and some tiles are falling out, but finances kinda went too far south to support the ambition. I might have to cheat with white paint over the grout (psssst, dont' tell anyone).

I think I'm still technically a "job-hopper" until later this month when I hit the one-year mark at my current job. I guess that ding isn't just for credit scores anymore. Thanks to a sucky economy, that's going to force some "stability" on me though. (Offer me a pay raise and damn SKIPPY I'm going to job-hop, whether that makes me unstable or not.) Speaking of which, I should call that recruiter back...

All in all, no, I don't think you're any pickier than I am, in reality.

ALa's match-making should be more geographically aware though. I don't think I'd move to Kansas, even for Mia Kirshner. Well, maybe... no, no, definitely not. Probably not.

Jason Rubenstein said...

Also a great list, but I think I've heard it before ;-)

Yep. I pass. *PHEW*. I figure this is as gooda template for women's lists as I've ever seen, so it's good to get past the initial job requirements.

Amen to the slobby thing... a person who can't respect their home (their environment, for all you mouse-in-a-maze folks) usually can't respect themselves let alone respect you.

The extreme of someone who does laundry every day, or wipes down the counters with bleach every day is also an alarm. A nice, in-the-middle kind of lifestyle is just fine.

ALa said...

Perfectly respectable list Kat... If I were single -or become single in the near future mine would be similar... I can't see me dealing with an ex-wife but I guess the older we get that becomes the reality... Maybe a man over 35 that was never married may signal bigger problems. Then again, I married for love the first time...so i guess the second time could be for money and lots of pool boys... LOL!

In my match-making defense...there are no arguements that I respect more than the two of you... you are both cool and single with similar right -leaning but not all the way there except for National Defense attitudes...geography means nothing in today's world...people move all the time...for instance -you could both move to Philly! Ok, I'll shut up now...But just so you know -I have made one so-far-very-successful blog match (can't yet reveal)... LOL!!!!

Anonymous said...

Well, Kat...fine list of expectations you have of some young man. Do white collar felonies count??? I mean, if it's mail fraud, the guy could have possibly been licking stamps and putting them on upside down....you never know what pot of gold you might find in a bad boy!!

~ Matt

Jason Rubenstein said...

Heh.. ALa71, a man over 35 may be a good thing since it may indicate that he was sharp enough at the time not to marry his mistake.. *koff* *koff*.

I've never been married, am over 35, and was once accused by someone I'd known for 11 minutes at a pub as having 'peter pan syndrome'. Ah; no. Not nearly. I was, however, smart enough not to marry the person I thought I couldn't live without because, once I got my head out of my, um, heart... the truth was I couldn't live with her either and for very, very good reason.

Dude... bad boys stay bad boys, though it is fun to stand back and watch women I know fall for the bad boy, get ridiculously burned, and say "toldja so".

Kat said...

ala...blogmatching...a new past time. LOL

I notice that I got in a hurry and didn't spell check. What's that say about me? I do better when I use microsoft word and make it tell me if my grammar is imperfect too.

Matt...you know, I can give a guy a break, but white collar criminals aren't necessarily any better than the other type. Worse maybe because they think their crimes are largely "victimless", but you know we're the victims with all the money we spend in insurance fees, increased service dollars. You know, the whole thing. so, you know, one time drunk and disorderly charge when the guy was 20 something, I may not care. charged with embezzling thousands of dollars, don't bother with an application.

Ciggy...I'm in Missouri. Kansas was where I used to live (not that it matters on the whole scale of latitude and longitude; pretty much the same place). Moving is okay. I do have a problem with the frozen tundra where cigster lives. it's bad enough here. 20" of snow he can keep.

I'll give ciggy the break though on the job hopping for money as long as the money is "good" and not just some .50/hour raise. that doesn't even buy a gallon of gas anymore so yeah, job jopping is still irresponsible. Under most conditions.

One thing Ciggy, you have a female room mate. You realize that that screams "hidden relationship" to women? do you try to explain that she's your room mate to your dates? what sort of re-action do you get?

I realize this might be just some sort of financial deal, but I gotta say, impressions can be killer.

Tammi said...

I think both you and Ciggy have perfectly rational and reasonable lists. Hell, now I'm getting paranoid that I'm too picky!

I'm not afraid to admit I've got to be physically attracted to a guy. Not that I can "list out" what attributes (ok, most attributes) I find attractive. The main one is - gotta be 6' min. Must be - no exceptions. I've been burnt every time I date a guy shorter than that. My height will start to get to them, and they'll start whining cause I love to wear heels and then it just gets ugly.

Also - gotta be confident and humorous. Oh, and smart - I LOVE good conversation. Don't want a prude, but don't want a player.

Damn, maybe I am getting picky in my old age.

Kat said...

Tammi...you're not picky. I don't blame you really about the height thing. I was at a fireman's dinner and one of the guys, who was 5'6" came in with a very tall young woman who happened to have done some modeling for local advertisers and such. Very nice looking but towered over the guy by about 5 inches.

The whole night, all of his friends sitting at the table kept making rude comments to him about sex and climbing trees and a few others. Worse, they made at least two comments in front of the young woman that was ultra rude and she excused herself for a moment.

Basically, after about 30 mins of this, I jumped in and told them they owed the girl an apology and that they should shut up because it was all about their jealousy. They wished they had gotten that girl instead of their friend. That's how it works. It's adult peer pressure.

Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files said...

The female roommate thing usually doesn't bother women once I introduce them to her. When they see her fireplug form, all of about 5'0 and about 190 lbs with one foot cheatingly off the scale, they instantly realize that she's not going to be any kind of a threat. I'd sooner go gay than hit that, LOL. Funny woman, and a good friend, but NOT relationship material for me. And she has her boyfriend (the unemployed lawyer with rich parents I sometimes talk about).

It's definitely too cold here. Tonight's low, -10, and that's not with the wind chill, just the regular temp. I've learned to be completely buttoned up in my car BEFORE opening the garage door to go to work in the morning. One morning I couldn't get the trunk open to put my laptop case in, because the garage had melted snow into water around the trunk gaps, and the instant arctic blast when opening the garage door (which will hit you like a sledge hammer if you're not ready for it), froze it all on contact. I suspect weather modification by the makers of wiper blades, car batteries, lock de-icer fluid, window washer fluid, lip balm, and road salt. I'm collecting evidence to make my case and be a guest on Art Bell's show.

Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files said...

Ah yes, the height thing. Being 6'4" has its advantages, although at some crucial times in the past months it has failed to save the day for me. A woman named Laura, very hot Latina lady that I and about 20 other guys had been chasing after in our circle of friends, seemed to be leaning in my direction for a time, and it was rumored my height gave me the edge, but she ended up picking none of us and moved to Houston. Even though it probably shouldn't, that did actually do some damage to the ole ego.

Aunt Bitchy said...

Kat: These were good! I agree with about all of them!