Monday, December 20, 2004

My dog Cash. Short for Cassius Clay. 'Cause he thinks he floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee.

Of course, he did try to take out the mail man, cable guy and one of my ex-boyfriends (before he was ex) all in the same month. The mail man misses him for his morning wake up scare whenever I have him at the vet. Actually knocked on my door and asked me where the dog was.

Cable guy obviously could not read the sign that said, "beware of dog". Cable man showed up on a Saturday while I was home. Tells me he's ready to install cable could I put the dog up. No problemo. Then the cable guy begins to tell me that he was there on Thursday while I was at work. Oh, boy. Said he thought my dog was just a "cute little ol' hound doggy" (he was from Texas). He and his partner decided to test him to see if they could go in the yard (what part of "beware of dog" didn't they get?). Places leather work glove over fence. Dog grabs it and rips it to shreds. They came back on Saturday.

Ex-boyfriend was not a pet person. Shortly after I moved into the house, he comes over for dinner. I am showing him the house including the big plate glass doors in the back that lead to the patio. The dog is on the porch looking into the window, wagging his tail, tongue out and generally looking friendly. Ex-boyfriend wants to meet the dog since he will be around (yeah, right). I put the dog on his leash and choke chain (he's not too good around strange men) and proceed to provide introductions via me holding leash and putting my arm around ex-boyfriend (it's the whole "scent" and "see, I'm not afraid of him so you shouldn't be either" thing).

Everything is looking good. Dog seems happy. Ex puts his hand down near the dogs face. Still good. Proceeds to pet him. Still good. The dog starts licking his hand in a friendly gesture (or tasting to see if he's too salty, not sure which that was). The ex pulls stupid "I don't know animals too well" move and jerks his hand back and up. Dog crouches down and begins barking and growling. General panic ensues for a moment while I shorten the leash and tell ex not to move.

I got the dog under control and told ex to wait for me in the living room while I put the dog out. I meant, not until I had dragged the dog away, who had, for a moment, ceased doing "rabid guard dog" trick. However, ex does another "I don't do pets" move and starts walking away before I get the dog out the door. The dog turns back and nips at his heels, barking and growling. I drag him away. Ex... um...scurries is the best word I can think of, into the living room. When I return, he asks me, "did you say your dogs name was "Cujo"?"

I was hard pressed not to laugh a little, but restrained myself in the interest of male ego and continuing relationship. However, the evening was not done yet. Recall large plate window doors leading to patio from my dining room area. Dinner is served and I ask the Ex if he would kindly open the bottle of wine. He is standing at the kitchen table, back to the glass doors, fighting with the cork. The dog came out of no where, hit the glass door with a bang and sharp barking. Ex boyfriend jumped from one end of the dining room to the other (fortunately, did not spill my lovely bottle of chardonnay), turns to look at the dog and says, "I see you "Cujo"," as he cautiously watches the dog and continues to try and pull the cork from the bottle.

Okay, I laughed. Just a little. I don't think he seen it because I quickly turned back into the kitchen to check on chicken breasts and asparagus. Then again...?

You see, I didn't even have to post anything long and ardorous about other failed ralationships. I bet you figured out right now why I'm still single.

Because I'm evil of course. I get amusement from other people's pain and angst.

Sick, huh?

Of course, I could blame it on the dog. "Bad Cashie. Spit that nice man out right now! You hear me? You won't get any more treats until you do."

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