Thursday, January 12, 2006

Stomping the News...

...So you won't have to.

Mattel Oppresses Barbie, Forces Her To Wear Islamic Veil

    -Ken grows a beard and finds his name on the "no fly" list
    -Barbie prays for GI Joe with Kung Fu grip

Blame Bush! Stroke of Good Luck
    -Berkley resident loses his mind when he finds out he agrees with Pat Robertson

Continuing Post Election Political Analysis
    -Confederation or Federalism: Iraq the Model says Welcome to the Darkside
    -Civil War or Not To Civil War, That Is the Question
    -Cordesman says it's Vietnam, EJ Dionne says it's Somalia, Democrats say, "Pick a war we started and then left before it was done and Iraq is just like that."

Right Hand Doesn't Know What the Left Hand Is Dooing
    -Iraq Government asks US to realease former regime prisoners; Judges say they weren't notified or asked, but nobody is pardoned and they are still going to prosecute

Iraq Reconstruction
    Reconstruction in the hands of State and out of the hands of Pentagon
    -Reporter proves all truth is subjective: says it's a bate and switch proving failure of Bush's strategy and military efforts; forgets to mention things like Iraq electing permanent sovereign government, obtaining total autonomy and automatically making all financial aid a matter of State. Also fails to mention that the military will continue to administer many projects through civil affairs
    -Basra, the land of Shia Islamist militias, starts urban renewal plan
    -US Forces build a school in the hills of Dahuk, New York inner city schools ask, "why can't we do that here?"

Iraq Healthcare: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly
    -Chidlren's hospital from video earlier this week is getting a make over, but Health Minister says it's going to take $8 Billion to refurbish 30 years of decline

Eid al Adha: Children Play, Parent's Pray
    -Favored Eid gifts by kids are toy guns so they can play "Cops and Terrorists"

Widows Feel Lost In Land of Two Rivers
    -Nothing funny here. Being a widow in a patriarchal, war torn country is instant poverty

There's Civilians in Them Thar Hills
    -Civilian Contractor by day; Fairy Godmother on her days off

What Happens If American Loses?
    -Member of DU poses as Iraqi opinion writer. Reminds Iraqis Americans massacred Red Indians and will soon abandon Iraq.

Things Military
Terrorists Win Darwin Award
    -Terrorist talent pool continues to decrease. Thinks "Allahu Akbar" makes them invincible, but finds kryptonite can ruin the day.

Brit General Says US Army In Iraq Institutionally Racist
    -Amercian colonel says, "Sod off, swampy!"

Did You Know You Can Die of Hypothermia in Iraq?
    -Medevac'd soldiers at risk for hypothermia, US Army responds with space aged sleeping bags

Around the World in 2 Seconds Flat

Bush's Would Be Assassin Get's Life
    -Says he'd do it again. Roar of applause heard from the DU

CIA Prison in Kosovo?
    -EU committee says they have pictures, but can't find Kosovo on the map
    -Political leaders of different countries make speeches while getting a squishy feeling in their pants knowing that if anyone finds it they may have to release half of their convicted terrorists due to government complicity.
    -Italy and others still trying to figure out how to arrest CIA agents. US silence on the matter seems to echo back, "diplomatic immunity, immunity, immunity" while visions of jailed criminal consulate employees and billions of unpaid tickets in New York City dance in European ambassadors' heads.

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