Wednesday, December 14, 2005

To Lighten up the Mood

Jihad Jane Supports the Troops in al Anbar

In response to this, this:

Jane: "Okay, boys. We need to get the best photo op, so why don't you all stand under that banner. The black thingy with the pretty gold writing. Okay. That's good. Jean-Pierre, are they all in the frame?"*affirmative mumble from behind a gag*"Guys, is that really necessary? I mean, jihad chic is all the rage, but orange is just not Jean-Pierre's color."

Do we have all the props? Mo', Mo'. That sword is in terrible condition. What have you guys been doing with it?

We don't have much time before the satellite is over head. Does everybody have their script? Where's the guy with the sheep? We're going to show the American people that you guys are human. We're going to show them some tribal flavor: halal butchering in Al Anbar. Nothing to be afraid of here.

Farouq, hon, do you really think the orange jumpsuit was necessary? I mean, it kind of clashes with my hair and everything. I know I've never been to a halal sheep butchering before, but can't you guys point the head away so the blood doesn't spray on me, or something? And the handcuffs are sooo abu graihb. Are you sure this is the image that you want to send the American people?

I mean, I think we could do wonders for your image if I, like, stood between you all with my silk shirt undone a little and channelle skirt with the split up the front left leg to mid thigh, showing a little leg you know, let people know that you're not all uptight like people say you are. I could be wearing a balaclava, pulled up so they could see my face, you know, can't cover that up. And, I could be holding the sword and admiring it, you know, sending a message to the American people, a-la hanoi and stuff, that you guys are really just nice guys from the village around the corner and there's no reason to be scared if you take over Iraq. Or, hey, you know, the world for that matter.

You know, I think we need to soften your image up a little. Maybe a little bit of my specialty make up around the eyes to lift the corners and stuff? Kind of give you that "smiling eyes" thing. No? Alright. Two minutes until show time.

G-d, that always makes me feel nervous. Does that make you feel nervous Saddiq? Can I call you Saddie or deeq? That whole Saddiq thing just reminds me of "Sad diq", you know, that whole marriage to Ted Turner. Um..yeah, it was kind of sad and everything.

Oh, G-D, I feel nervous. I always feel like I'm just going to go...blaaaghh..you know...blaaagh...right before the cameras start rolling. Does that ever happen to you? I mean, blaaagh? great way to loose weight and everything, but tough on the teeth. Best thing is, I make a killing off of videos where I stand around and show how skinny I am and do a few leg lifts and stretchy things with a rubber band. Just goes to show you that Americans will buy anything they see on TV.

Serious! I mean, that whole Nick Berg thing looked, like, so real, but I knew it wasn't real because, you know, I've been in the business and everything for a long time, well, not that long, anyway, I've seen how that stuff gets done and I've got to say your make up artist was just, you know, fabulous. And the special effects of the screaming and begging? Just gave me goose bumps.

I mean, that was way better than Barbarella and everything. I mean, the screaming and begging that is. It was just...wow..you know?

Okay. deep breath *heeehh---hhhooooh* I'm ready. Where's my mark? Right here? You want me to kneel? I don't know...oh...okay, I get it, we all have to fit in the picture with that beautiful banner. Any chance I can take it home? I'd love to wear it with my silk channelle suit. It would make a great scarf.

Maybe you can tell me where I can get some of these for my friends? I mean, they're all going to just die as soon as they see this video. they're all at home with the rest of the jet set crowd and I'm roughing it in Al Anbar with the people, you know? Power to the people!

Okay, okay! I'm getting on my knees. Sheesh, it's worse than working for that director...what's his name, Jean Pierre? Oh, never mind.

Alright. I'm ready. Come on, guys, let's get this message out and maybe we can all be home by next Christmas. Er...Hannuka? What's that thing you guys celebrate that time of year? Id? Ed? Oh, right Eid, Eid. Got it.

Alright, here we go. Oh! Hey! Is that necessary? I mean, you're gonna mess up my hair. Ruby, my hair dresser, you know? She was just so inconsiderate and wouldn't come out here with me. I told her we needed to do something to show our support and everything, but she wouldn't even come to the airport. Said something about her son in the marines.

You know, I think it is just all wrong how the poor men fight the richman's war. I'm rich and everything, especially after that sad diq thing...*giggle*... I really like that. Sad Diq...Anyway, I don't want our poor men and women to die for some richman's war. If they want poor people to die, they should just stay out of these countries' business, then all the poor people they could want will die. Then, you know, I won't actually have to come here, I can just, you know, make speeches and stuff with the Dalai Lama about world peace and everything. You ever been to one of those do's? I mean, the canapes are so dry and the faux gras is kind of rancid, but you meet, like, all the right people and it's great for your career.

Ow! I mean, OW! That really hurts. I think you should lighten up on that whole "tough guy" image thing, it's just so... Hey! That's not in the script! What is that? A-la...a-la-who? A-la-who Ack-bar? What's that? Guys, we really need to stick to the script, you know: American soldiers are committing war crims, terrorizing women and children in their homes, in the manner of Jengis Khan, like this, see? You gotta hold your top lip like this and make a long face. You know Jengis Khan? I mean, he is like one of you guys, right? I mean, how hard is it to remember those lines? John sent me his whole speech for you guys to just read...

OW! Okay, really, I think we need to take a break. I'm really not feeling it... Ow! That sword is really sharp. Don't you think we should wait for the sheep to get here? Maybe we can do this some other time. Guys, guys.. I know, I know, a-la-who ack-whatever. Wow! That sword is just huge up close.

What's that written on the blade?

Made in Damascus?"


See also, Lilek's Peevish 2005

1 comment:

sf said...

Your satire of Fonda was spot-on.