Saturday, December 03, 2005

60 Seconds of Revised History

"New" Democrat Archives Prove American Revolution Was Wrong

Written by Mary "Lucy Ramirez" Mapes
Presented by Dan "fake but accurate" Rather

December 3, 1777

Letter To Continental Congress
Independence Hall
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Distinguished Members of Congress,

I think it is time that we recognize that the Continental Army is broken. I have talked to soldiers and leaders from Valley Forge and have been told the condition of our soldiers is dire. They are ragged and tired. They do not have proper shelter. Many are without shoes or socks and most of them do not have uniforms or are wearing parts of uniforms and supplementing them with pieces of civilian clothing. They have very little meat in their stew and some are saying that they are resorting to boiling their shoes and eating them which is why many are shoeless. They have been forced to forage in the forests and from local farmers. Many farmers are complaining that the vouchers they are receiving are worthless.

I have seen our wounded soldiers at the Smith farm. They are suffering horrendous wounds. Many have lost fingers and toes to frostbite and many more are suffering from dysentary. The smell of feces, vomit and rotting flesh would make a man cry or lose his lunch (for which I am expecting double the reimbursement since I had to buy in twice).

They do not have proper equipment. Many are carrying unrifled muskets they have brought with them from home. Few have personal pistols and those that do are sometimes flint locks instead of revolvers. I know they haven't been invented yet, but without them I believe we cannot win this war. They have very few cannons. Those that they have are often captured pieces from the British and Prussians. They have no armor to speak of and the horses are constantly being shot out from under them or starving like the men without an adequate number of replacements available.

The army is stretched thin. We cannot even field a standing army of 150,000 men which our best military strategists believe is what is required to beat the British. More than half of the forces at Valley Forge are made up of conscripts and militia who have been deployed for more than a year. I have heard complaints that they were not allowed to go home for the last harvest as per their contract and that General Washington may even have had some shot for desertion.

I understand that Washington has outsourced the training of our forces to a German officer who can't even speak the King's own English. He [Gen. Washington] has ignored the advice of some of his best officers. Brigadier General Benedict Arnold has generously offered to take command of the Northern Army. Our navy is made up of captured frigates and merchant ships that have put captured cannon on make shift platforms. While the French have offered support, I do not believe that this will be enough to turn the tide of the war.

We do not have enough money to sustain the war. Our coffers are broke and many generals, representatives and individuals have taken money out of their own pockets to continue to provision the army. The army in Valley Forge has not been paid in over six months.

We cannot sustain the posture of our army continuing to protect Philadelphia, New York and Boston. This leaves us vulnerable to other issues of national security from the Indians in the west and the Spanish in the South. I believe our best course of action is to:

a) Withdraw our forces from the area and let the Philadelphians, New Yorkers and Bostonians figure out how to protect themselves. I am aware that many Pennsylvanians, New Yorkers and Massachusettes men are fighting and dying with our army. We should send them home and let their states figure it out. I believe the continued presence of our forces in these areas is fueling the loyalist movement and causing the region to be unstable.
b) We should withdraw our troops to the Ohio River where they can be safe from harm and protect us from the Indians. If we leave Georgia as well, the British can hold off the Spanish.
c) We can station 2,500 troops in Kentucky as a quick reaction force. Of course, we should not use them since they might get shot at, but it will look like we mean business if the British decide to come that far.

We cannot continue to fight a war that the Continental Congress has misled the citizens of the colonies into fighting with false information of massacres in Boston, British soldiers brutalizing citizens in New York and stories about massive cannons and hundreds of British Ships of the Line waiting to blockade our ports.

While I voted to declare independence in 1776, with the information we now have that only a few people were shot in Boston, the British only want to quarter soldiers in citizens homes and there are only a few British Ships of the Line blockading a couple of ports we can do without, I now believe that it was a mistake.

I call on the Continental Congress to withdraw all troops immediately.


Representative John Benedict Murtha (ND-PA)

Headlines the next day read:

Independence Hawk And Veteran of French-Indian Wars Calls for Immediate Surrender To British and Re-instatement of the King's Authority

Representative Murtha claims that Thomas Jefferson, Paul Revere and Patrick "Give me liberty or give me death" Henry misled the colonials into war.

Bloggers ask:

"Did quill pens come with Times Courier font and proportional spacing?"

LGF puts up an animated .gif that compares quill writing with Murtha letter.

Mary "Lucy Ramirez" Mapes fires back:
Experts have authenticated letter, stating some quills came with the option. Claims attackers are just right wing political hacks protecting Thomas Pain for his dastardly lies about the benefits of freedom.

Stay tuned for the next installment of "60 Seconds of Revised History"

Inspired by:American Son

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