Monday, November 21, 2005

Terrorism Inc: How To Be A Successful Terrorist

By Dr. Ayman "Eichman" Al Zawahiri
Commentary by Osama "Who's Your Mama" bin Laden and "Z-Man" Al Zarqawi


Are you down and out? Did you graduate from university, but can't find a job? Are you living in your mother's basement and hanging at the souq all day? Do you have to beg your father for money just to get a few hits of the hookah? Do you see yourself going nowhere? Do you believe that it is somebody else who is responsible for your condition? Have you prayed to Allah (pbuh) for assistance, but all you hear is silence punctuated by the laughter of the young girls in half shirts and talking on their cell phones?

If this sounds familiar, then we have a unique opportunity for you. We want you to join our global franchise: Terrorism Inc. This unique opportunity will not last forever. Terrorists come and go, but a successful terrorist lives on forever.

We at Terrorism Inc. have perfected methods to make our graduates household names, teach them how to take advantage of charitable institutes to provide wealth to live from with little work in exchange, how in influence politicians, policies, the media and citizens around the world. Just purchase our two disc CD package for $29.99 and you will learn the secrets of a successful terrorist. Read further and we'll reveal three of our top secrets that will convince you that our methods work.

Selecting the Right Enemy:

1) Your enemy should be very big and strong. No one is going to pay attention to you if you try to over throw the government of Fiji even if Fiji is your ultimate destination. A terrorist must earn his "props" and it can only be done by striking at a much larger enemy. Once you have these "props", you can over throw the government of Fiji easily just from fear, requiring few men and little money. Or, if you prefer, France would make an excellent destination, but not the primary enemy. Remember: think big.

OBL: A bigger enemy will make you look like the underdog. No one would believe that a small group of men would be so foolish as to strike a larger enemy first. They will look at your enemy and imagine that the bigger enemy must be a bully that has done somethng grievous to provoke such a reaction from a much smaller group or person. This will help you gain "sympathy" in other countries; something that is quite necessary in our later lessons.

Z-Man: When you are classified the "underdog" by the world at large, you can committ all sorts of attrocities against anyone you like and the world will believe that it is the only tactics open to you because of your "size". The people you kill don't even have to be your stated enemy. You can issue statements later that whoever you killed are "collaborators" with your enemy, even if they are a different nationality or have never spoken to, worked for or visited a citizen of the country much less their government. As the "underdog" they will forgive you anything. For instance, you can tie up helpless men and women and cut off their heads, on camera, and send it out to the world. Those who see it will just say, "well, they have no choice" or they will blame it on the victim for being in a "war zone". You can blow up bus loads of children, people praying at mosques or churches, blow up a wedding, kidnap and torture old men and send retarded children into a crowd to committ "suicide" with an explosive vest.

The tactics and sheer cruelty you can get away with will amaze you. Everyone of them will add to your mystique as a terrorist.

2) Your enemy should be a democracy. Committing terrorist activities in a police state or where the leader has total authoritarian power is very dangerous. They do not have any constraints like "morality" against tracking down, torturing or killing you or your followers. Also, the people in such a country may be more afraid of the authoritarian leader than they are of you which will keep them from helping you by providing safe houses, food, money or routes to smuggle arms and men.

OBL: If you choose an authoritarian state as your enemy, your scope and appeal will be limited. You want the widest audience and the most sympathy. Committing terrorist acts against ordinary people in an authoritarian state will only seem as bad as the actions of the state against helpless people and will diminish your appeal. It is better to choose a country that is free and open, that prides itself on "free thought" and "due process of the law". This way it is likely that, no matter what cause you raise your banner under, there will always be people who will entertain your reasons and cause as just. This is very important when we teach you how to use propaganda against your enemy, one of the most important tools in your arsenal.

We will teach you how to use "due process of the law" to your advantage by making legal claims against the country you attacked. You or your attorney will be able to make many speeches in court and to the press that will keep you in the media and confuse your enemy about whether you are truly their enemy or a criminal. They can't resist applying their culture and way of life to your ideas. The more outrageous the claims, the more likely they will be believed and the more likely you will get attention from the media. You will also be able to co-op many of these groups to your cause. Even if you repeatedly state you will kill these groups too as an enemy to your own idea, they will refuse to believe you. These groups you will use until you have met most of your goals. Save them until the last to kill. If you kill members of these groups too early, you may cause them to doubt your cause and lose an important advantage in propaganda and useful fools that will give you monetary and material assistance.

Z-man: If all else fails and you are unable to actually attack the democratic country directly, you can choose an unrelated country or a country with some sort of ties with your enemy, even if that country has strong opposition to whatever your enemy has done in the past or is doing now. This country can be either another democratic "free" country or a state with an open monarchy. The important thing is that the country is relatively open to allow you to travel in or out, to make contacts with other groups and where you can get the useful fools to help you kill their fellow citizens. It will be very exciting to see the look of shock and surprise on the faces of the useful idiots when you bomb them. What's even better is that, even after you bomb them, there will still be useful idiots that will believe you had every right and good cause to do so. As I said, they will forgive you anything.

3) Your enemy should have a history of strong partisan political opposition in government. In a police state, the leader makes a decision and no one questions it because no one can take the leader from power as long as he has the military, police and other government institutions under his control. When there are elections and partisan opposition, the opposition will do anything to win back the power of leadership and government institutions.

OBL: When an enemy has strong partisan opposition and the reins of power frequently change hands, even if they think that you are a dangerous enemy, because you are small compared to them, the opposition out of power will believe that they have time to come to power and prosecute their own war against you. Because of this, they will use more of their time trying to force the reins of power from their opposition than cooperating to take action against you. This will give you much time to consolidate your forces and resources. You will also be able to use your time to identify states, usually police states, that consider themselves the enemy of your enemy or, at least, have no use for democracy. These states will help you with money and materials.

Z-Man: An enemy with a well entrenched partisan opposition can be used to your advantage. Your words and actions will inspire them to make many speeches against their opposition. You can adopt the slogans of the opposition in your propaganda and press releases. This will make the partition of the forces easy; making it sound like the partisan opposition is siding with your cause. It will make your enemy appear weak, make you seem more successful than you are and will bring more men, money and materials to your cause. The entire time, the opposition will believe they are not playing into your hands. The enjoyment from this effort will be worth all the pain of dealing with the media who will constantly be looking for your next spectacular attack to help raise their ratings, giving you free air time that would otherwise have cost you billions of dollars.

OBL: It will also confuse your enemy so much that they will think that the strong response against you by the party in power is not working. The partisan opposition will continue to work against any actions taken by the party in power, making it appear so weak that, when or if the opposition party comes to power, they will have to do something completely different in order to not appear to be following in the tracks of the previous party. Generally, this means they will go back to doing small police actions against you, giving you time to relax, re-enforce your position, gather your forces and build a small enclave that we like to call "the emirate" where you will be able to build and train your forces in relative security and calm before taking the next action.

Z-man: The best part about it is that the waxing and waning of power and tactics means that you can make it "an endless, bloody war", killing, maiming, stealing and living the life of adventure for many years to come.

A special message from Dr. Zawahiri:

This is what makes our program such a success story. It creates a long term career in a niche market that has little competition, but many perks including having your name in the history books.

These are only three of our tried and true methods. We will teach you our other many tactics learned from over twenty five years in business. The two CD package will include:

How to co-op causes by choosing the proper ambiguous over all cause.

Like "Arab Oppression" even if the oppression is at the hands of the Arabs, you can always claim it is somebody else's fault.

How to present a plan to rectify the selected "problem" with little work or effort.

This plan will also be very vague so no one can pick it apart and point to what is "wrong". Also, when you institute this plan, you can make it up as you go because you have given very limited guide lines. No one can accuse you of lying.

How to make your cause and forces seem larger than they really are.

This tactic has worked from ancient history to modern warfare. By choosing the right tactics, co-opting causes, contracting out actions to other organizations and making attacks in multiple locations, your enemy will believe that you are thousands, if not tens of thousands, strong.

Using your enemy's "morality" against them, even if you have no morality yourself.

This section will tell you how to use the "useful idiots" and the media to point out every mistake of your enemy. This is an extremely successful propaganda technique against a much larger enemy. Because you are the "underdog" you are allowed 200 atrocities for every one of their mistakes taht results in the death or maiming of innocents. We will teach you how to use this to your advantage, how to use "useful idiots" and the media to spred the word; subcontracting work to actors to stage events and even committing actions yourself that you can get the "useful idiots" and the media to present as the work of your enemy.

Learn more about becoming a successful terrorist when you buy our two CDs for only $29.99.

Act now and we will throw in two bonus CDs:

Propaganda on a Disc

This CD will show you how to use basic computer programs to create pamphlets, fliers, press releases, manuals, web pages, videos and press releases to enhance your propaganda program.

Al Qaida's Greatest Hits

This CD will contain some of the best attacks by our graduated students from flying planes into buildings to beheadings, car bombs, mosque bombs, torture sessions and many more.

Just call 1-800-EXP-LODE.

Have your credit card ready. Visa and Master Card accepted.

We do not take American Express.

This has been a paid commercial brought to you by our sponsors:

The House of Saud
The House of Saad
The House of Mullahs
The Islamist Association of Imams
The Ba'ath Benevolent Association
Islamic World Charities

Secial Thanks to:

George Galloway
Michael Moore
Internatinal A.N.S.W.E.R.
Cindy Sheehan
Code Pink
The Muslim Student Association
The American Congress

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