Thursday, May 26, 2005

Prayers For Zarqawi

According to Chrenchoff, immediately after the announcement of Zarqawis injury, several jihadist websites went up with forums to leave prayers for his recovery.

In response, Chrenchoff has launched his own One Million Prayers for Capture campaign. Of course, he leaves the "capture or die" decision to the readers. Go over there and leave your own prayer or comment.

This was my response:

Dear Mr. al-Zarqawi,

The Kevorkian Society has received information that you are serioulsy wounded and possibly dying a slow and painful death.

As a charter member of our society and the top producer in assisted suicides, we'd like to offer you our platinum membership services. This membership includes:

1) A DVD or Video taped recording of your death, artfully packaged and provided free to all of your loved ones and associates via live feed on all cable and network stations around the world.

2) A 3ft by 5ft poster of you lying in repose and surrounded by a military escort. As we understand your religious beliefs we will try to insure they are virgins, but short notice may require some adjustments to this plan. The poster/picture of you lying in repose will be presented at a conference and also beamed around the world via cable and network news. It will then be reprinted in every newspaper from singapore to Mecca, New York and Los Angeles.

3) Per our records, your wish is to go out in a blaze of glory. With our platinum membership, this can be easily arranged and you have a choice of procedures:

a) AK-47s wielded by the Wolf Commando Brigade of the Iraqi army (per our agreement with them, they assure us that they will shoot you many times to insure that your final wish to die is fulfilled). This is free of charge.

b) M16 rounds provided by the United States military, also free of charge. (they indicate that this can be done any time, night or day)

c) A JDAM sent directly into your bedroom window with a video device that will record the spectacular moment for posterity and a second video that will record your passing from 30,000 ft or closer if you prefer. (Of course, if you prefer this method, we may not be able to provide the poster of you lying in repose with a military escort)

If you are not sure which of these methods you wish to use to accomplish the deed, our associates in the field will be happy to assist you in making the decision.

We understand at your final moment that you may wish to have friends and associates by your side and we will be happy to accomodate you. If any of them are feeling particularly depressed at your passing, we can arrange, also free of charge, for mass suicide by any of the selected methods above. (We also have the "surprise" package available if you wish to give them this gift without warning).

As you may be aware, our founding member is unable to travel at this moment, but we did request volunteers for the honor of providing this service. You will be pleased to know that we received over 138,000 letters in English and several million in other assorted languages, all asking for the privilege of giving you your final wish.

To obtain this platinum service, all you have to do is call our toll free international number 1-800-sui-cide and give us the location, date and time you wish this procedure to take place. To insure that all parts of your request are met in a timely fashion, you may need to provide a map to the location and mark it with a giant "X" on the roof. You will also need to provide us with a work and home phone number of a reliable contact person, in case of emergencies.

As soon as we receive this information, we will dispatch the nearest team of qualified personnel to quickly and efficiently carry out the mission.

We at the Kevorkian Society are pleased to have you as a member and hope that you are satisfied with our services. If you are, we hope that you will recommend them to your friends and family. We believe that everyone has a right to die in the manner they choose.

If you have any questions, please feel free to call our customer service number 1-800-USA-TIPS or go to our website:

Suicide Hotline

Good luck and speedy death. Don't forget our motto: "keep smiling to the end".

Dan Gerousmind

1 comment:

Jim said...

There's been some interesting speculation around this whole thing. Based on his alleged comments with regard to targeting Iraqi civilians, some people seem to think he's pulled a Kurtz in a sense, and Osama's pulled him out of Iraq for that reason.