Why Am I Single? Let Me Count The WaysNineteen: Chronic Cheating and Lame ExcusesThe Doctor Will See You Now

(Yo', man) Yo'
(Open up, man) What do you want, man?
(My girl just caught me) You let her catch you?
(I don't know how I let this happen) With who?
(The girl next door, you know) Man
(I don't know what to do) Say it wasn't you
(Alright)

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Bangin' on the bathroom floor

How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me

How you can grant the woman access to your villa
Trespasser and a witness while you cling to your pillow
You better watch your back before she turn into a killer
Best for you and the situation not to call the beaner
To be a true player you have to know how to play
If she say you're not, convince her say a day
Never admit to a word when she say makes a claim
And you tell her baby no way

But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)

She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn't me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn't me)
Heard the scream get louder (It wasn't me)
She stayed until it was over

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Bangin' on the bathroom floor

I had tried to keep her
From what she was about to see
Why should she believe me
When I told her it wasn't me

Make sure she knows it's not you and lead her on da right prefix
Whenever you should see her make da giggolo flex
As funny as it be by you, it not that complex
Seein is believin so you better change your specs
You know she not gonna be worrying bout things from the past
Hardly recollecting and then she'll go to noontime mass
Wait for your answer: go over there
But if she pack a gun you know you better run fast

But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)

She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn't me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn't me)
Heard the scream get louder (It wasn't me)
She stayed until it was over

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Bangin' on the bathroom floor

How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me

Gonna tell her that I'm sorry
For the pain that I've caused
I've been listenin to your reasonin
It makes no sense at all
We should tell her that I'm sorry
For the pain that I've caused
You may think that you're a player
But you're completely lost
That's why I sing

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Bangin' in the bathroom floor

How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me
-shaggy

After reading the lyrics of this song, I almost didn't feel the need to write anything else. It pretty much portrays what people always think when they are cheating:

I won't get caught

Ever hear the phrase "cheaters never win"?

If I do, I'll lie like hell and say it wasn't me

I don't know about you, but, in all actuality, most people suck at lying. Couldn't tell a lie to save their life much less their relationship. There are only a few really good liars in this world and even they get caught because one lie always requires another one and eventually, it is much harder to remember all the lies as opposed to the truth and -badabing, badaboom-they get caught. Or, in the words Sir Walter Scott: oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. The only time people don't get caught in their deceptions is when the deceived allows it to happen. Particularly, people in relationships with chronic deceivers or cheaters or dreamers. I believe the word is "co-dependency".

I'll just remind my significant other how much they love me and that I love them and would never do anything to hurt them, etc, etc, etc. Maybe we have sex or "kiss and make up" and, voila, all's well that ends well.

Okay, let me repeat this, people in relationships with chronic cheaters, deceivers and dreamers who do not "discover" the falsity of their lover do so because they suffer from "co-dependency". They'd rather be with you than alone, or have such a low self esteem they figure this is what they are worth, or any number of other psycho-social issues that make them equally as unhealthy as the chronic cheater, deceiver and dreamer. To top it off, the perpetrator is now guilty of mental abuse because they have just re-enforced, on purpose and with malice afore thought, their co-dependent spouse's low self esteem, sickness, etc for their own selfish reasons. I know that sounds harsh, but there it is.

Now, in the scheme of relationships and cheating, most people are not chronic cheaters. Most people who cheat in a relationship are one timers. They do it one time because they are in that one situation where the cheating was easy, where their own self esteem was at some sort of low, when they felt they were neglected or unloved by their spouse, you name it, usually some pretty selfish and lame reasons to do it, but they do it. It's one time because they either get caught, feel too guilty to ever do it again (like, just maybe they do love their significant other and know they are a screw up for screwing it up), or are just never presented that possibility again in those circumstances.

But the chronic cheaters, they cheat, they lie, they alibi and continue on, getting caught and doing it again and again, either because they are just that selfish or have some sort of serious self esteem issues that require that their ability to be loved is re-enforced again and again by a plethora of people. They also are chronic cheaters that have just been allowed to get away with it over and over without suffering the kind of consequences the rest of the world does when they cheat. Largely because they are a)selfish and b)in a relationship with a co-dependent bonehead.

Speaking of lame and the lameness of cheating in a relationship, I wonder if cheaters have ever had to hear themselves giving their lame ass alibis, lame ass excuses and equally lame apologies? I mean, LAME! How anyone gets away with cheating simply amazes me. Cheaters should be recorded and made to listen to their lame asses over and over again. That is almost enough punishment for any man or woman. Better yet, they should be recorded and broadcast over the television, radio and internet so that people will know what is going on the next time they hear the lameness being directed at them.

I've often wondered, based on my experience and others close to me, listening to the lame words, if people are programmed with a special brain neuron that tells them if they cheat use these phrases and you will either get away with it or you will be absolved of guilt:

It wasn't me

So, what you're saying is that there is another black Trans Am with a license plate from Minnesota that says "ROK4EVR" driving around the state of Pennsylvania, a bumper sticker that says "Bite Me" on the left hand rear bumper, a ding in the right front fender at just the location where you beaned that guy's Oldsmobile, the pink and white lace garter that has a gold charm on it engraved with "Bobby and Tina Forever" hanging from the rearview mirror and the word "asshole" keyed in the hood that was put there last night as it sat in front of so and so's apartment complex and now has mysteriously appeared on yours as it sits in the driveway?

Buuuuuzzzzz. Wrong answer. Here's your sign. LAME!

He/She made me do it.

What you're saying here is that they had pictures of you selling nuclear secrets to the Chinese and threatened to send them to the FBI if you didn't have sex with them?

Or, maybe you would like us to believe that a 5'3", 110lb woman overcame a 6'1" 210lb guy, forced him on to the bed (I'm sure this is in somebody's fantasy), tied him there and told him he couldn't leave until they had sex ten times and she gave him a ring of hickeys around his neck even though she is generally as stupid as a box of rocks and couldn't tie her own shoe laces (that's why she wears backless sandal's), but can some how tie a knot sufficient to keep you tied there for ten hours?

Well? Which is it? Buuuuzzzz. Wrong answer. Here's your sign. LAME!

He/She was an old friend I ran into and one thing just led to another.

Is that what you do with old friends? Okay, I take it I need to call up Jack and Steve and ask them what you "old friends" did in that cabin when you went hunting last year and you claim you were snowed in for three days. It did seem like you were all rather chummy and in good spirits for having to survive off of pop tarts and beef jerky for 72 hours without any heat when you came back. How did you guys stay warm anyway? Did you at least shave before the trip? Beard burn is so unattractive.

That's not what happened? Buuuzzzz. Wrong answer. Here's your sign. LAME!

He/She was kissing me, I wasn't kissing them.

Ohhh...I see. You weren't putting your tongue down HER throat, SHE was sucking it in AND she's an ex-navy SEAL who knows all the pressure points used to paralyze people and made you stand there while she had her wicked way with you.

You poor baby. Buuuzzzz. Wrong answer. Here's your sign. LAME!

Nothing happened.

Nothing happened? You got that big suck mark on your neck, scratches on your back, swollen left testicle and slight limp because you had a fight with a Hoover vacuum machine...And it won?

Damn! Remind me never to buy one of those again. Buuuuzzzzz. Wrong answer. Here's your sign. LAME!

It was just a kiss.

Please see above "nothing happened" and add to that the fact that you are missing three buttons from your shirt and you put it back on inside out AND the boxers/panties you were wearing when you left this morning are no where on your person much less where they should be. Did you have accident or something?

Do I have to tell you that it's lame?

How about one of the all time best?

I'm a sex addict.

Well, I'm sure every guy in the universe would love to hear that out of some woman's mouth, unless of course it was his wife, girlfriend or lover and it meant that the guy, regardless of their bond of marriage or alleged love, would just be one of the twenty or so she would entertain herself with during the week while he was away or slaving for a paycheck. Somehow, I think there just aren't that many guys who would actually dig that fantasy if they knew what it really meant. Of course, that's the brilliance of fantasies. In the fantasy, you get to control your dream lover and she might be a sex addict, but it's all for you, baby.

One word: fantasy. Look it up.

By the same token, men, men, men, please with this lame ass excuse. How many guys are we going to have to see get up on national television or give an interview with Oprah or People's Magazine about their lame ass cover for cheating? And, would somebody, anybody, please explain to me why I am supposed to feel anymore sympathy if the lame ass cheater giving that lame ass excuse is crying when he said it? Everybody knows he's only crying because he got caught for the eighth time and that was one time too many. Let's not forget that it will now be THE biggest thing the guy is remembered for in history. Not stopping wars, saving lives, bringing the gospel to the heathens via a crystal palace in southern Florida and satellite TV. Nope. Crying from some podium about this dreaded disease that must be affecting millions of men and women.

Well, there's no time to waste. I think we need to effect a cure immediately and I might have one for you. Chronic Cheating, also known as "sex addiction", is a terrible disease that can have profound effect on your physical and mental health. There can be terrible disfigurement (see also, "the Bobbit"), unforeseen circumstances (see also, pregnancy when your spouse had a vasectomy; abandonment by your friends and family); costly in treatment and of course, the occasional death by Mercedes.

The cure is a holistic approach and it has been practiced by men and women for millennia. In combination, it's referred to as "a dose of reality". Are you ready? Get a pen and paper and write this down, you'll want to remember it:

S-E-L-F space C-O-N-T-R-O-L: Yes, it is, by far, the least expensive part of the treatment. A little bit of it goes a long way and, if successful, will not necessitate the taking of the rest of the cure which can be very painful and humiliating. Not to mention expensive. It will require that you keep your hands to yourself, pants zipped, your bra clipped and all other apparel in it's proper place at all times save in the presence of your designated and official partner. You will also have to use that painful word, "No". C'mon, now. I know you can do it.

WARNING: Failure to apply an ample dose of "self control" at appropriate times will most likely result in a fatality. Your relationship and occasionally you the afflicted.

If not, then you will have to move on to the other, more harsher treatments. They may include the following depending on the state of your relationship and the condition of your bank account:

D-I-V-O-R-C-E: For those that are married, this is one of the more painful treatments that you may have to take. It is very costly as your spouse may attempt to strip you of every asset you ever accumulated in order to insure that the treatment is not blocked my unnecessary material comforts that may interdict or contra-indicate the treatment. It will require that you hire an attorney with very good eye sight in order to read all of the instructions in small print on the directions that accompany the dose.

A-L-I-M-O-N-Y: This treatment is equally as painful and even more costly than DIVORCE. Particularly if you were the bread winner in your family and the administration of DIVORCE will have an adverse effect on your spouse's well being as well. The treatment requires the extraction of an organ, the one that we can never do without: the wallet. Upon extraction, it will be surgically spliced, emptied of all the foulness that may have allowed you to roam about spreading your disease (ie, money) and then sown back together without consulting a plastic surgeon, leaving irreparable scars before it is re-instated on your person. As a matter of fact, the scarring may be so painful that you may never be able to close your wallet again. (Also known by it's off brand name PALIMONY, sometimes less expensive, but equally painful.)

ALIMONY and PALIMONY may be preceded by the burning of all of your effects, clothing, mementos, pictures, bedding and sometimes even your vehicle on the front lawn. This is to insure that this highly contagious disease does not spread to other members of the community. If the disease has infected too many of your personal effects, it may even require the burning of your 5.6 million dollar mansion to purify the area. To know whether this action will be required, please consult your physician (AKA your spouse, lover, significant other, etc).

C-H-I-L-D space S-U-P-P-O-R-T: Both ALIMONY/PALIMONY and CHILD SUPPORT are taken in conjunction with DIVORCE and it is required if you have children. Side effects of this medicine may include extreme loneliness, guilt, sleeplessness, uncontrollable crying, screwed up schedules and balancing on one foot on top of a pin head, using the other foot to touch the top of your head while juggling one to three fireballs that will attempt to manipulate you along with your cell phone, your job, your personal life, your bills and yes, that ill fated organ: your wallet. Other side effects may affect your children instead of you and include social withdrawal, distrust, inability to bond and a plethora of other results that may not be apparent until they mature.

Your doctor (aka, your spouse, lover, significant other) may feel that other treatments are required to effect a complete cure including public diatribes, insults (cursing is the most common), potential assault and yes, death by Mercedes. As previously recommended, consult your physician.

WARNING: Failure to take this treatment seriously may cause you to relapse and require additional doses of "reality" and result in complete financial disaster and bankrupted morals. (Think, "Donald Trump" without his resources and "Elizabeth Taylor" without her charm).

For those of you who are infected with the less chronic, but still painful infection, "One Time Cheater", your physician may administer the entire treatment listed above to insure that you do not have a relapse or that your disease does not continue to the next stage, "Chronic Cheating".

You may be the lucky 30% or so that has a mild case or whose physician is less inclined to treat with the caustic cures above. It is likely that you will receive the lesser treatment of "the cold shoulder", "the couch or spare bedroom", "the dog house", "living hell for unspecified amount of time", "public and private diatribe and insults" (used in both forms of treatment), "cleansing of personal effects", "a tight leash", "lack of trust for unspecified amount of time" and be required to pay for the entire treatment with a currency that will be specified at the beginning or end of the treatment at your physician's (spouse, lover, significant other) leisure.

Currency accepted: "begging", "pleading", "diamonds", "back and foot rubs" (together or interchangeable), "major ass kissing", "possible boot licking", "a new house", "a new car", "clothing", "long visits to the in laws", "couple's therapy" and "cash". Some physician's may accept American Express, Discover, Master Card and Visa. (WARNING: Requests for a Mercedes may signify the imminent death of you and your relationship)

As a post treatment cleansing routine, you may want to fall down on your knees and thank God that you were that damned lucky to find such a doctor (aka: spouse, lover, significant other) that was willing to fore go the harsher treatments typically administered in such cases. Don't forget to add the words, "I will never do it again." No treatment can be effective without these words. However, you should be advised that failure to meet this promise will automatically result in the "Cure" or a "dose of reality".

If you think you may become infected with "One Time Cheater" or "Chronic Cheater" at some time in the future, you may wish to consult your physician (aka: spouse, lover, significant other) on what their preferred method of treatment may be under such circumstances.

For those spouses, lovers and significant others that believe they have heard the symptoms of these diseases, also known as "lame excuses", you will want to consult your own physician (aka, lawyer) on the best method of treatment.

It's no joke, folks. Chronic Cheating and One Time Cheater can be hazardous to your health.