Why Am I Single? Let Me Count The Ways Sixteen: Outside Looking In

If a person is smart enough, they will look around at all of the people around them and watch what they do, see what looks right, what doesn't work, what pitfalls to look out for and hopefully figure out how to avoid them. I talked about the voices (not literally mind you) that are in our minds warning us or urging us on and how we are just as apt to follow the wrong one as the next person. There are no perfect solutions. I sometimes think that we get, what amounts to, the luck of the draw. And, sometimes people get what they deserve from a relationship based on either their self delusions or the way they treat their spouse/significant other. Even the nicest people sometimes get what they deserve, good and bad.

I guess this leaves me wondering if I've gotten what I deserve: singleness?

I've noted also that there are no perfect people, only the people that we fall in love with. Since we are imperfect, it stands to reason that our opposites are imperfect as well. Sometimes though, they are perfectly imperfect. Not just a little imperfect with little habits that annoy us, or idiosyncrasies, but people that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. Or, maybe people you would wish on your worst enemy. I have been left wondering on many occasions how it is that I am single and some people that I wouldn't trust with my dog are married or in a relationship. Have you ever looked at people that you know and wonder how they ended up together? Or maybe, see couples walking down the street and wonder how exactly they met and came together? Maybe it's just a couple at a party or social gathering and you notice how they behave together and wonder how their relationship is behind closed doors?

Do they really love each other? Do they really care if their words hurt and sometimes destroy the other person? I guess it's similar to asking if an alcoholic or drug addict can really care about somebody else because these kinds of addictions are the ultimate selfishness. It is always about the addicted and never about the people around them. Not that you can always convince the significant other of that person of that fact. It's why we have invented knew psychological words like "co-dependent" and "enabler".

I've wondered, sometimes, seeing people who have been married for several years, maybe seven to ten, if their relationship started out the way that it had become? Was one of them always too busy? Slightly neglectful? Nagging? Hateful? Abusive? Do most relationships start out with some sort of rosy glow that wears off in short order?

I think, from my perspective that beginning a relationship is one part, building on a commitment is a second part and making that commitment stand through all sorts of trials, tribulations, daily life and just plain changes through growth of the people and the changing world, is the last part. That last part never ends, of course, and it would be nice if one could occasionally reflect upon that beginning, that rosy glow period and remember what it was that drew the couple together. I think it is all too easy for couples in part two and part three of a relationship to lose sight of that first rose glow. It gets buried somewhere deep underneath all the trauma, the daily life, the little things like paying the bills, running the kids to school or soccer practice, working to try to make life better for the family, sometimes people seem to lose sight of the people within their family, lose track of what is really going on with that person and they wake up one day to find a complete stranger sleeping beside them.

Lots of relationships end at that moment if the people can't remember part one of their relationship. It's like angst induced amnesia. Some couples can get it back. Some couples can start their relationship anew from that point on. And, others end up scrapping it out in court or over packing crates. God forbid that there are children involved. Children, rightly or wrongly, purposeful or inadvertently, become an emotional weapon between the parting couple. They forget sometimes that the most important part of having children is to love them unconditionally. But, in parting, there can be no way of totally keeping the children from the pain of the separation, from feeling slightly less important in the whole scheme of things, no matter how many times somebody tries to assure them differently. However it comes about, the parting of ways is automatically cutting the children's base in half and there is no way that they can be kept from feeling that pain.

In the relationships I've witnessed, I have seen complete devotion, which can be in itself destructive and total neglect. It is a tricky business to balance between them. It's like standing on a teeter-totter, balancing between both ends and trying to keep one end from touching the ground while not knocking your significant other off the other. Those who commit and can make a relationship work understand that the balancing act between the two ends of the teeter-totter are not always equal. Sometimes one end is down while the other is up and then it reverses. Sometimes, one end is just heavier than the other and is always the one hovering nearest the ground. There is no perfection. At best, one could hope that the person on the other side is doing their best to keep the teeter-totter level. Not that it ever will be perfectly level. It's physically impossible. But, if one pays attention to their partner enough, they'll realize when they are bringing the teeter totter down and will try to fix it.

The best method is communication. I know, it's a badly over used word. It's been used so much, it almost became a dirty word. Of course, if one is communicating ALL the time and not listening once in awhile, talking is not going to get you anything, but done.

Being on the outside looking in, I've noticed a number of things, seemingly silly, simple things that seemed to portend another problem in relationships and one or both people in the relationship are completely oblivious. So, here I am, ready to give some advice to any couple that would listen. You know how the saying goes? "Those that can, do and those that can't, teach."

Without further ado, three lessons in relationship building:

Shut Up and Listen

Shut up. Shut up and listen. Sit still for ten minutes or so in the other person's presence and just listen. If you're really interested, I bet you'd learn all kinds of good things in ten minutes that you couldn't learn in an hour of "talking". Let's face it, in our growth as humans with speaking and language being our main communication device, we've learned to make all sorts of words and phrases actually mean something completely different.

Like the all time favorite of somebody complaining about their job. Maybe it is just their job. On the other hand, if your spouse is complaining about their job, don't pop off with the infamous, "Well then, change jobs." Survey says....bbbzzzzzzzzz, wrong answer. You pretty much just admitted that you aren't paying attention to their life, their woes, you don't care, you don't have time for them, you don't want to hear their "whining", there are more important things to worry about. I don't know what that something important is when you are trying to make a relationship go, but there you go. That's what it sounds like.

I can tell you from personal experience, complaining about the job is about 4 out of 10 times about the job and about 6 out of 10 times about needing to make some sort of other personal change. Like they are missing something. They have lost track of themselves. They want to be something else, not just job wise, life wise. Your best bet is to avoid the over simplification of "change jobs" and actually ASK them what it is they want to do. Tone and inflection is everything. Exasperated, annoyed, irritated, hurried or "let's talk about this later" still says, "I haven't got a clue what you are talking about and haven't been paying one iota of attention to you for the last XXX months".

If you're in a hurry right that second, tell them you'd love to hear what it is they want to do that evening during or after dinner. This puts the ball back into their court and makes them think about what it is that is actually bugging them and makes them tell YOU what they want instead of you trying to make some fallible conclusions and saying "the wrong thing" at the "wrong time".

If you tell them that, be prepared to talk. By the way, a simple failure in communication and listening skills is the appearance of not paying attention. If you are giving that appearance, you aren't paying attention. So, stop what you are doing, put down the paper, the grinder, the remote control and look at the person. Men who have been in a long term relationship know that this is the most common complaint from women: not paying attention when she is talking. Generally, the inability to do so means that you are either a schmuck, don't really care or are hiding from it because you are afraid to hear what it is she/he wants to say. Just add that to the "schmuck" column you may already be building in your relationship.

Don't be an emotional "girlie man". Suck it up and listen. Ladies, you two. Is that football game, basket of laundry, news paper article, etc more important than your relationship? If it is, you're probably a schmuck. On the other hand, since we can be such emotional cowards or just plain selfish (even if it is unintentional), maybe that second isn't good for conversation. However, if you actually want to talk about it later, don't waive him/her off with vague promises of chatting later. You can look away from the boob tube or pile of laundry long enough to make eye contact when you ask them if you can talk later. And, it never hurts to apply good business tactics to that moment as well. If you are going to talk later, set a time and even day. "Tonight, when the kids go to bed, I'd love to hear what you want to do." Or, "Tomorrow, while the kids are at your mom's, why don't we go to lunch and you can tell me about it?"

Don't forget to tell them that you love them. Added bonus points for those words. Double bonus points if you say it while looking at them. Triple bonus points if you actually touch them, like a hug, while saying it and looking at them. You see how that works? Touching is non-verbal communication, eye contact non-verbal communication, the words: priceless.

Come on, don't be a schmuck, it only takes a minute or less to get it done. The game or whatever can wait that one minute to boost your relationship and keep you out of relationship hell where the person becomes more and more distant and you wake up with a stranger who decides that EVERYTHING is wrong and EVERYTHING needs to change, including you.

Shut Up and Think

Shut up. Shut up and think for a minute before you start talking. People need to listen and then swish what they heard around in their minds to make sure they've got the right idea about what's going on before you start talking. If you don't, it's guaranteed that you won't help the situation. Think "foot in mouth" or, as my grandma used to say, "hoof in mouth" disease. Simple things like your spouse asking you if they look okay, fat, old, whatever, on a regular basis doesn't just mean that they are worried for their own selfish reasons. If they are asking YOU constantly it's because they are afraid that they are losing your attention, losing that thing that they think attracted you to them in the first place. It's why some marriages break up during one or the other's "mid-life crisis". It's about them, but it's about you too. Some simple advice, if you want to avoid that kind of crisis, try telling your loved one how much they mean to you and how beautiful/handsome they are on a regular basis, not just when they are asking you that ill-fated question, "does this make me look fat."

I know that question is annoying to men, but women are subject to all sorts of body related doubts. They can't help it because, like animals in the wild, they assume that it was or is largely their physique that attracted their partner in the first place. It might be, but if a relationship hasn't grown into something about the person's mind or personality by stage two, the relationship is probably doomed anyway.

As I was saying, if you want to avoid this little catastrophe in marital or relationship bliss, don't wait to have to say it when they ask you, try telling that person over coffee in the morning, when they have bags under their eyes, bed head and crease in their cheek from the pillow that they are the most beautiful/handsome thing that you've ever seen. You don't have to do it ALL the time, but every couple of weeks will suffice. If you're the forgetful or human like the rest of us that get caught up in the daily travails of life, get your calendar out or blackberry or whatever and put a little notation on a day every week to remind you to take a moment and look at your spouse and say it. Pretty soon, it will be a habit and you won't have to have that little reminder anymore. Of course, you realize that special occasions call for extra special comments.

Again, if you are waiting to be asked, then you are waiting for trouble. In my experience, the phrase "you look fine" is tantamount to telling your spouse they are fat, their gray hair is really obvious, their legs are too short, their ass is too big, they are balding on top, you wished they'd pluck their over grown eyebrows, that mole is really huge and needs to be removed, don't wear your hair up because your ears are too big and stick out, the crows feet by your eyes looks like an entire troop of crows have been roosting there for sometimes, your paunch belly looks like a spare tire for a diesel, I don't really care what you look like because I don't really care about you, this relationship and I'm just marking time. And, by the way, when we go out tonight, I'll be ogling all the other women/men in the place looking for your replacement.

I know, I know. It's usually not what you meant when you said, "you look fine." Maybe the car's been running for a half hour already and you just want to go because you hate being late and she has already tried on half of the clothes in the closet, all her shoes and is checking her make up for the thirtieth time in the mirror or, if it's a guy, he's standing in the mirror, adjusting his pants again, sucking in his gut, doing the profile thing or flicking his hair with his fingers for the tenth time trying to cover that slight balding spot or cover the ever growing widows peaks from his receding hair line.

If you do end up in that situation, don't use the "you look fine" line. Think of that line as a ticking time bomb or a live grenade, pin pulled and ready to explode. The odds are, you are going to be standing there for another ten minutes to half hour while the person goes about the routine again and don't think that they will forget you said it the next morning. It's like the bomb goes off and leaves hot shrapnel in a wound. Like a brand on the mind. They will be turning it over and over in their mind trying to decipher what you meant even if what you meant was simply, "I think you're gorgeous/handsome all the time, can we just go?"

Very bad. If you want to extract yourself from the minefield of this question and potential foolish answer, you're going to have to suck it up and tell them that you actually think they are beautiful/handsome. And please, if you say it in that exasperated or patronizing tone, you might as well have just said, "you look fine" because you will get the same result. It's a little trickier than that.

Men, save yourselves from this potential catastrophe by first doing step one, shut up and listen. In this case, look. If she's been messing around for ten minutes on nothing in particular, you're heading for rough waters already. You can head it off if you take this action immediately upon noticing the second time she puts on a dress, pair of shoes or fiddles with her hair. If you aren't quick enough on the up take, don't panic, you can still save yourself if the question gets asked by the same method. Say nothing, walk up behind her, put your arm around her, kiss her on the back of the neck and whisper, "you look beautiful, gorgeous, fantastic" pick one. But please, don't add on, "as always". That might be true, but you will slip a notch or two back towards the "you look fine" level. Just repeat after me, simply, "you look beautiful, gorgeous," etc.

If she's looking in the mirror and you're not sure you can pull it off if you have to see yourself doing it, as soon as you zero in on the neck, close your eyes. It will give the impression that you are "savoring" the moment. It's almost like warfare or hunting. The arm around the middle and the kiss on the neck are decoys or distraction and the "you look beautiful, gorgeous," etc is the kill.

For added bonus effect, sometime during the evening, make sure you remind her that you love her by actually grabbing a semi-private moment and saying the words, "I love you." Just that. But, you should be looking at her when you say it. Extra bonus points if you are slow dancing, hugging or simply holding her hand. No bonus points for saying the "L" word to the back of her head. You could be talking to a mannequin for all that matters. Face to face.

I guarantee god status the rest of the evening. Snuggles in the car and some serious noogie when you get home.

If you can't bring yourself to do it, you are either a schmuck or don't really care about her or your relationship and you should be trying to figure out if you want to fix it or be gone. I know that sounds harsh, but a little personal introspection is needed. Why can't you say it?

Ladies, my advice is just as simple. If the guy is posing in front of that long mirror, checking his gut for the tenth time, step in between him and the mirror. You are the distraction. Put your arms around his neck, snuggle in real close and repeat one of the following, "You are gorgeous, fantastic, handsome" or "You are looking so fine, good," etc. The word "fine" is only usable when accompanied by the word "so". This may apply to men to women as well. You may also avoid the "you look" phrase completely and go straight for, "I love you", "have I told you lately that I love you", etc.

The "during the event, night out, etc" kiss, "I love you", squeeze the butt under the jacket move and/or lean into him (could be a "side" lean, but full frontals have the most effect) guarantees you goddess status for the rest of the evening. Your man becomes Hercules and can move mountains or Atlas and shoulders the world.

Again, phrases to avoid include, "You look fine", adding on "as always" and don't forget to avoid, "I love you just the way you are." Bzzzzzz. Wrong answer because you just implied that there is something wrong with them, even if you claim to love that wrongness, you do not pass "Go", do not collect noogie and go straight to relationship hell. Or, at least another boring night where you come home, throw off the clothes, jump into those flannel PJs, jump into the bed and hear your spousal unit snoring in five minutes. All bets are off if one or more of you drink yourself blind for the evening. You might get a bunch of "I love you's" but you will either hear snoring or wretching at the end instead of moans.

I know, some of this sounds a little "romantic" and, even as the guys and some women read that word, a shudder goes through them, "Uuuugh. Romantic? I don't do "romantic"." My only answer to that is a question, "How have you stayed together this long?" No, make that, "How did you get into this marriage/relationship in the first place?"

Remember, don't be a schmuck. "Romantic" is just a word and can be comprised of the silliest or simplest of moments including bringing someone their coffee in bed, in the bathroom while they shave, sit it by their morning paper that might be waiting for them at the table or kitchen counter. Very little things.

The Things You Say

If you're going to talk, the first thing out of your mouth is not about you or your views on the relationship. Ask them what they want. What do they think. What do they feel. I know it's hard because we are often cowards in our personal relationships. We don't like to be too introspective because we might hear somethings that we don't want to hear like we said something hurtful that we didn't think was hurtful, or we didn't care it was hurtful. We can do all sorts of nasty things to the people we love the most, generally because, when we love someone, we not only know their good, strong points, we know their weakest as well and, at the moment of our own pain, we can lash out and inflict some serious damage on the person that we love simply because we know exactly where the "kill" zones are and most of us go right for them. We don't always mean to, it is like the "wounded animal" syndrome. Cornered and bleeding animals stop thinking and simply start slashing with their claws or hooves. Humans aren't all that different from animals in that respect.

If you are going to have a "discussion" about something like bills, car accidents, little Johnny's bad grades, that new fishing boat, the thirtieth pair of shoes, whatever, try to avoid direct "personal" attacks like: "you're stupid", "irresponsible", "lazy", "your fault", etc. Any comments about intelligence or weight will automatically put you in relationship hell. If you think otherwise, you are either in extreme denial or are a verbally abusive person that just doesn't give a damn in the first place. Cursing and other profane name calling means that you have slipped beyond the the bounds of the relationship and should probably just get a divorce or pack your bags and leave. Once you start telling someone that they are a "bastard", "bitch", "asshole" or any other name of the sort, you've already lost the relationship and you just don't know it yet.

Of course, I've heard those terms used in "playful" ways, but arguments and raised voices have totally lost the "playful" side of things and turned them into ego stomping missiles that are even bigger than the trident missiles of "stupid", "fat", "lazy", "irresponsible", whatever. All of these things are designed to pick out the "enemy's" weakness and lash out at them with appropriate weapon. And, we know that weapon because we've been studying that person for so long, we've even got it down on the subliminal level: "how to wound, maim and or kill your relationship in five easy steps".

Say you're arguing about the bills and the check book being unbalanced. You just discover that you can't pay the credit card because your spouse bought the new $300 grill, or purchased some tickets to a Broadway show, or bought a puppy with papers, bought some earrings, bought a new power tool, whatever, they bought something because they thought that they had money in the bank. You discovered this problem and confront the person about making the check book error in the first place and then compounding it with their purchase. They either become defensive or apologetic. Even "defensive" is a sign of contrition, they know they made an error. People don't like to be confronted by their errors.

Usually, the confronter just sees the defensiveness as "denial" and gets more angry. That's when the predator's "kill" instinct comes into play. We sense their weakness. In denying that they did something or did it on purpose, we know that their weakness is "stupidity". Yes, they do not like to be seen or thought of as "stupid". So, what is our "kill" phrase, "What? Are you stupid?" or "I can't believe you were this stupid." or "Only an idiot wouldn't check the the balance before making that purchase" or "What, you think the credit card company is going to take that grill/coach purse/power tool/pair of shoes as payment?"

Honestly, the only thing that is happening after that is either complete withdrawal from the issue by the defendant or the "cornered and wounded animal" attack. They may come out swinging at your own foolish mistakes now and in the past. Particularly as, contrary to popular belief, we aren't perfect. We make mistakes, too. Next thing you know, instead of sitting down and figuring out how you're going to balance the checkbook and pay the rest of your bills and put food on the table, you are in a full blown fight. Doesn't solve a damned thing and both opponents are just going to walk away dissatisfied, if not deeply hurt.

Once people are inclined to use the word "stupid" or "moron" or other names in their arguments and it becomes routine, I can tell you that the words start slowly whittling away at a person's self esteem. The wound might seem small at the time, but it can fester with continued use of the phrases. They either become completely demoralized or, one day, you said those words again and they tell you, "Fine, you think I'm so stupid/irresponsible/lazy (whatever), I'll leave and you figure out how to do all this stuff on your own."

Ways to avoid this problem are first, avoid using those kind of denigrating words in the first place, even if you think that they just did the stupidest thing ever. Nobody is perfect, including you. Opening up the "you are imperfect" door surely leads to other thoughts of imperfection, including your own and they will feel compelled to use it on you.

If you say the words, you should be ready to apologize. Mainly because, if you really thought that person was stupid, would you have gotten into the relationship in the first place? Secondly, you need to heal the wound of your wounding strike quickly before it starts adding up to a "relationship killer". Again, non-verbal communication, like looking at the person or touching them is just as important as saying that you're sorry. If you can't do it, it will imply that you really aren't sorry, you're just making a lame ass apology because you know that you are going to hear about it later and you are attempting to avoid it.

Again, if you are using these words routinely, an apology is probably not going to cut it after awhile. You should be examining your relationship because there is something very wrong. Most likely you need counseling or should just go before you completely destroy your opposite or yourself. Of course, most people are blind to their own failings and will totally ignore that advice. It's why you see so many vicious divorces. It finally gets to the point where both sides are down to mindlessly and viciously swiping at each other.

It's been my observation that at least 50% of all divorces did not have to end in divorce. Generally, they become non-communicators at the end and that's where they end up at. Divorced.

Now, if one of the persons in the relationship is actually financially irresponsible, there are ways around that. No reason to get a divorce because one person can never balance the check book or doesn't think about the big picture of your finances. It might mean that they do not share your same goals, however, and you should probably sit down and have a conversation about what you both see as your future financial goals and how you're going to get there.

I had some friends where one was ultra anal about their finances and the other could live from day to day. The one was always asking where the money was that they brought home? How could they always be broke if they made that much money? The other was complaining about the spending habits of the person that wanted to know why they didn't have money to spend. They almost got divorced over a gas grill. At different times, one or the other would get fed up and toss the check book and bills at the other and tell them to figure it out for themselves. Of course, the one that was the "day to day" person made a complete mess out of the check book and totally fouled up their credit cards and utility bills.

Thus ensued another argument about financial irresponsibility and stupidity, etc, etc

Let me tell you, arguments about money in a relationship are some of the toughest and most common arguments to be found. Love and money are like oil and water. They both exist, but it is very difficult to make them mix together. Even Donald Trump can't seem to get married and stay married. Go figure.

My recommendation to my friends was to get three bank accounts: one for her, one for him and one for the bills. They both got paid on the same cycle so, the night of payday, they made no other plans but to sit down and figure out the bills. Both of their paychecks went into the third account for bills. After the amount that was necessary for the bills, the groceries and the amount to go into savings was figured out, they would then write the checks. This "bill" account was a joint account and had to have both signatures of the parties on the check so that both of them had to know how much was being spent and where. When all the bills were made out, whatever was left was split 50/50 between their own separate bank accounts. That included gas money, lunch for work, and spending money.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: that's a little ridiculous, how come one or the other couldn't just let one of them take care of the finances? Why couldn't the irresponsible one just act responsible once in awhile?

My question in return is, "How badly do you want your relationship to work?" or, "do you think that somebody is just going to change overnight because you decree one of their habits as "bad" or "irresponsible"?" Or, "Are you looking for perfection and you're just going to stomp your little foot until you get it?" There. Is. No. Perfection. Maybe you just like to have that one thing to pick on that person, to have as your weapon against them? Love is tough and people are scared of how deep it can go into their own personality and psyche. They like to have a weapon so they can keep the person from getting too far into them. Protect themselves.

Why wouldn't you sit down and try to figure out the best way to work around your or the other person's imperfection? I always like the demands for a person to change: "Why can't you become responsible?" My question is, why did you marry them in the first place if "responsibility" is a problem? You didn't notice it? Maybe that beat ass old car, the third hand furniture in his or her apartment, the lack of groceries besides beer in the refrigerator and the brand new Snap On master tool set in the six foot high rolling tool box or the new Coach bag/Prada shoes should have given it away?

You married that person for reasons other than finance, so shut up and figure out how you are going to fix the current financial problem and avoid it in the future. Even if that includes three separate bank accounts, who cares as long as it solves the problem. If you are just demanding that the other person change without changing how your financial system works, you have other problems. Like control issues. Maybe you just like to argue? Maybe you are a verbal abuser and this gives you the reason and the way to let that all out?

Maybe you have your own self esteem issues and having something to rag on somebody else about makes you feel better? In which case, you are in the 50% of people that are likely to become divorced. Then you can walk around moaning and crying about what an irresponsible asshole, bitch, bastard, whatever, your spouse was and how they are trying to take you to the cleaners again after nearly bankrupting you or making you lose the house or whatever lovely thing occurred.

It could have been avoided.

Even the most spend thrifty person in the relationship can be handcuffed enough that their habits don't interfere with your financial security or your loving relationship. But, that's if you want to work it out. You don't want to, go on with your bad selves and call me when the divorce is final.

And, hey, not just getting on the people that find the mistake. Financially challenged people, it is better for you to come clean, admit your problem to your spouse/significant other and figure out how you are going to try and help curb your impulses. Know your spouse's goals. What is the plan? Are you in agreement? If you are then get a hold of yourself and grow up. Buying $300 grills or Prada shoes and then worrying about where the money comes from makes you a child at the least and, yes, the ill fated word, irresponsible. Better that you hear it from me than your loved one exclaiming over the thirtieth over draft slip from the bank. Get a hold of yourself, step away from the credit cards and the check book. And please, if you bought that cordless drill, gas grill, or those three inch heels, don't tell your spouse that you did it for them. Not even the grill because they are not going to believe you and you are obviously implying that they are stupid and will believe you.

In which case, re-read this section because you just did not get it.

There you go, one single person on the outside looking in at the complete and utter messes I see married people making of their relationship everyday. It's so funny how I often long to have a relationship and how many times I hear my friends, family and associates say, "You're so lucky to be single".

Yeah, I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.