The Charge of the Geek Brigade

January 18, 2006: American troops appear to have a considerable advantage because most of them grew up playing video games and using PCs. More and more military equipment uses computers, or are basically electronic gadgets. American troops require a lot less time to learn how to use this stuff, and tend to be very good with it. This extends from fire control systems in armored vehicles, to new radios, electronic rifle sights and training systems (which are very similar to those video games.) Many other countries have to spend a lot more time training their troops to use this stuff, and the proficiency of the troops is never particularly good. This effect is often seen when this high tech American equipment is provided to foreign troops who didn’t have such an electronic childhood.

Military Training: Geek Advantage

And this from Glenn Reynolds:

But the move against violent videogames strikes me as a bad idea for other reasons. Not only does it represent an unconstitutional infringement on free speech -- as the Wired News story notes, "None of the measures that passed have survived legal challenge" -- but it may actually make America weaker.



American troops are already using videogames in training. Some are fancy custom jobs, like the combat simulators described in this article by Jim Dunnigan at StrategyPage:

The new ambush simulators were done in less than six months. Using existing simulator technology, two different ambush simulator designs were created. Lockheed-Martin is delivering eight simulators based on large video screens, that surround the trainees and replicate the sights and sounds of an attack. Weapons equipped with special sensors allow the troops to shoot back from mockups of vehicles, and they also receive feedback if they are hit. . . .

This is the future. It doesn't mean that ground pounders and General Pattons aren't necessary or should not exist in the future military. The perfect military will indeed be able to integrate both the fantastic geekish gadgetry and the John Wayne "get some" soldier. Ground pounders often speak of the timely intervention of CAS (close air support) or supporting artillary and, while today the men and women in the rear using joysticks are still somewhat of a joke to the bad asses kicking in doors, I think there will be a future where real respect and admiration for the geek in glasses who spent hours in his momma's basement playing video games will be seen, just like the days of Huey and A-10 pilots.

Most UAV missions with a geek in a tin can back at base are intelligence gathering or surveillance post attack that sometimes leads the military to the bad guys. Some have included hellfire missile attacks on known targets. I believe the future is near at hand where the geek in a tin can will be providing CAS to ground units with a relatively inexpensive vehicles and some weaponry that gamers can only dream about handling in their Spec Op games and simulators.

Many reports are indicating that Unmanned fighters on near to rolling off the test line.

It doesn't mean ground pounders go away. You can't win a war decisively unless you have the ability to hold the land and physically depose the political structure of a country. Destroying even a large part of their military does not constitute an end to a regime as we saw after Desert Storm.

While many worry about the psychological effects of videos on children and adults, I believe the real concern that the military must constantly balance against is the tendency to rely too much on electronic devices. It is all good and well that a GPS can give you correct location, but it doesn't help any when the batteries go dead and you're stuck behind enemy lines or on covert mission and can't get a new supply. Even with the military working on better batteries, the loss of basic skills would be disasterous in many situations.

I know that the military trains our men and women to use compass skills (for instance), but I wonder, in the post basic training world, how often units work to keep these skills up? While simulators are great for honing reflexes for battle, I am hoping that commanders in the field or at least their NCOs think that the reasons for those skills are important and should be continuously trained on (I am mentioning compass skills as a basic example, but other simple survival skills should not be lost; war cannot be predicated on the flow of electricity).

That being said, I wonder if the military will relax any of its physical requirements for the geek brigades? If not, they'll be some of the most physically fit couch potatoes on the planet. I don't think it will be too far off when being designated a member of the geek brigade will be a serious badge of honor. What sort of medals will they get if they don't risk life and limb in the midst of combat, but save a squadron from annhilation and bring home the million dollar electronic baby without a scratch?

Or, will that simply become "just another day at the office"? I think the military will have to consider this as well as the technological age comes along. Certainly, you don't have to give them the same awards as a ground pounder, but successful electronic missions are going to become more and more the norm with more brain power than brawn involved. How is the military going to keep the geek brigade if it does not start recognizing their contributions and provide as much or as quick promotional opportunities as a battle hardened commander who's actually traded physical blows with the enemy face to face? Or a guy that has led infantry or tanks on the ground?

What is the military going to offer the geek brigade to get them to join? Or, is the allure of playing with the real thing going to be enough to drive future recruits?

Somewhere in the bowels of the Pentagon or in civilian contracting facilities around the United States, a robotics and computer geek brigade is imagining the day when they drop computerized tanks into a war zone driven by guys 9000 miles away, whose technology will be advanced enough that is excellent while being relatively cheap, like the advent of personal computers, where the vehicle can be very fast, require limited, but excellent armor and whose destruction would cost less than an Abrams and it's tank crew in terms of operational disfunction, real monetary costs and political costs. Something that could be easily manufactured and quickly replaced on the battle field. Instead of repairing the tanks, they'd be discoarded like used bic lighters or Hyundai's after 100k miles.

You wouldn't need to worry about sleep, rest or food, just a renewable energy supply, scheduling shifts of other geeks in camouflage and supplying replacement tanks on the go with remote controlled air drops. Imagine the pace of battle, performed 24/7 under those conditions. If the enemy did not have the same capabilities, the idea of getting inside a the enemies decision cycle would be moot. It practically wouldn't exist.

Or imagine fleets of armed UAVs over Tora Bora with the ability to fly high altitudes, with infra red and other radar or sensory abilities (like the infamous Vietnam era people sniffers, but better) or the ground penetrating radar system that could make out a cave as well as its inhabitants, constantly on station. There would have been no escape from Tora Bora. Or, if they did "escape" we would know where they went. Even if ground pounders had to go, these fleets could hold the enemy in place, attrit his forces or provide the ability to track, locate, evaluate defenses and direct forces to those sites for immediate reaction as well as maintain CAS for incoming forces.

Again, there would be very little decision cycle and a lot of confusion on the part of even small, non-technologically advanced enemies.

Yet, as I imagine this future, there are two things that concern me from a mostly philosophical point:

1) Cheap and easy war may lead to a cheapening of life and consequences. I remember an episode of the original Star Trek where they came to a planet where both sides had advanced so far technologically that whole populations were simply annhilated. Instead of coming to a political compromise and resolving the war, for a century, both sides would simply have a lottery of its citizens and they would send them through a supposedly painless particle evaporater, ten thousand every month as per the agreement between warring parties. It was cheaper, less bloody and less politically volatile. In the mean time, they had nearly managed to make their people extinct anyway but they couldn't figure out how to stop it.

That's the war I worry about.

2) History says that the further advanced a society is in law and technology, the more likely it is to be defeated by a completely "barbarian" stone age enemy using low-tech or no tech means. I think it's dangerous to imagine a time when technology makes us so comfortable that we forget the mightiest civilizations were destroyed by the barbarians at the gate.

In the meantime, somewhere deep inside all this philosophical meanderings and futuristic dreaming, I feel a deep vindication for the time I've spent gaming with my brothers as well as a little "up yours" to all those smarmy folks who think they are culturally advantaged because their children don't spend as much time playing computer games or watching TV.

There's a future coming and it says that the geeky couch potatoe will be a force to reckon with.

Maybe then food companies and nutritionists will make a bigger and better effort to develop couch potatoe food with less calories, helps burn fat instead of creating it, lowers cholesterol, less sugar content, more energy creating and doesn't taste like crap. Very likely that the military will invest more in this research instead of just trying to develop high energy compact meals for the guys on the go on the ground. They will have a lot of interest in insuring that their geek brigades don't kill over from heart attacks to early with all the money invested in their training.

Hoo-ah for the geek brigades.

Summary only...

"Flexible Battery": Military Use?

Recently, the DoD announced a contest to design a portable, lighter battery pack for soldiers' equipment in the field.

The Department of Defense is asking a person or team to come up with a way to lessen the weight of the 20-40 pounds of batteries a solider carries on a typical four-day mission. The batteries power everything from soldiers' GPS systems to their night-vision goggles.

"In many missions the batteries are heavier than the ammunition they are carrying," said Dr. William S. Rees Jr., Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Laboratories and Basic Sciences -- whose office, the Director of Defense Research and Engineering, is sponsoring the prize competition. "We'd like to reverse that ratio."

There was a million dollar prize for the design.

There is no indication that this group was working towards the prize, but I found this announced invention interesting and began thinking about how it could be integrated and adapted for military use:

Researchers develop bendable battery

WASHINGTON - It's a battery that looks like a piece of paper and can be bent or twisted, trimmed with scissors or molded into any shape needed. While the battery is only a prototype a few inches square right now, the researchers at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute who developed it have high hopes for it in electronics and other fields that need smaller, lighter power sources.[snip]

Unlike other batteries, Linhardt explained, it is an integrated device, not a combination of pieces.

The battery uses paper infused with an electrolyte and carbon nanotubes that are embedded in the paper. The carbon nanotubes form the electrodes, the paper is the separator and the electrolyte allows the current to flow.[snip]

And over about 18 months, the groups developed the projects, into a battery, a capacitor, which stores electricity and a combination of the two.

Ajayan sees potential uses in combination with solar cells, perhaps layers of the paper batteries that could store the electricity generated until it is needed, he said in a telephone interview.

Perhaps it could be scaled up and shaped into something like a car door, offering moving electrical storage and power when needed.

It's thin. It's light. It can bend. The applications would be endless. The adaptability would be as well. One way that it could be shaped or developed for carrying could be to line already existing equipment or carrying devices with the material such as Body Armor vests, back packs, helmets, lining the cases of the equipment itself, etc, etc, etc,
In fact, if it could be integrated into the equipment itself, the equipment could be redesigned to be less bulky, creating a slimmer silhouette that would facilitate maneuverability.

Inside additional equipment or even clothing, the batteries could provide endless back up supply that was equally light. It could be carried by every member of the unit in those configurations. It could also be rolled into tubes and simply carried in a pack.

There are a few draw backs. The first is cost. Carbon nanotubes are not inexpensive to make. The technology and manufacturing capabilities could be an expensive undertaking. Although, if it is underwritten by government grants as well as has confirmed contracts, the set up costs could be offset considerably.

The second issue will be its capability to support the amount of energy required for some of the technology. The inventors believe that the battery is comparable to others already in use:

"So from the commercial standpoint, this would be very expensive if you want to make a large sheet out of this material," he said via e-mail. In addition, he said, "It does not look like it performs better than currently available batteries and supercapacitors in the market."

Actually, it could be a cost saver if the overall design of equipment, like radios, could be adapted to require less space and, thus, less material to cover, for the battery. This cost savings could translate into making the cost of the "paper" battery more inviting as well as the possibility that it would take less space to carry extras, for shipping, etc. There is a built in cost savings there. Finally, the most important savings, weight, translates into saving transport space and maneuverability for soldiers. That can translate into a more effective force and that equals winning more quickly and saving more soldiers' lives.

So, cost maybe less of a factor.

One other question that cannot be answered by this article: what sort of electrolytes are being used? If this flexible battery were integrated into equipment and armor and it was struck by a round, would it be harmful to the soldier?

If not, I think the million dollar prize can go to this group.

Summary only...

Women at War: Civil War Service

One of the great things about the internet is that you can be looking up a specific subject matter and see a little link; click on that link and find out things you never would have thought about before.

For instance, did you know a woman invented "night signals" used by the US Navy and life saving (coast) guard until the 1930s? And, that the chemicals used for the pyrotechniques of these signals are the base of modern flares?

Me neither, but you can read all about it here.

. Franklin Coston was a scientist from Boston, employed by the Dept. of the Navy prior to the Civil War. He died an untimely death at a young age, some believing his work on gaslighting to have had toxic effects. He left Martha, his young wife, and three young children nearly destitute. Although virtually unknown historically, Martha Coston performed one of the most crucial roles in the Civil War, developing a night signals communications system for the Navy. As one peruses navy records of the war, one finds references to signals being used prior to battles to give instructions and operational orders during them. After the war, the Coston Night Signal was heavily relied upon by the U. S. Lifesaving Service and after its integration, the Coast Guard. It remained the main naval night signaling device utilized into the 1930s. The pyrotechnic formula developed is still the basis for flares used today.]

Read the entire memoirs because it has some interesting commentary about trying to deal with the military.

Then there is an open letter written in 1863 by Mary Abigail Dodge that appeared in the Monthly Atlantic: A Call to My Country Women, that virtually speaks through the ages.

O women, stand here in the breach,--for here you may stand powerful, invincible, I had almost said omnipotent. Rise now to the heights of a sublime courage,--for the hour has need of you. When the first ball smote the rocky sides of Sumter, the rebound thrilled from shore to shore, and [illegible] the slumbering hero in every human soul. Then every eye flamed, every lip was touched with a live coal from the sacred altar, every form dilated to the stature of the Golden Age. Then we felt in our veins the pulse of immortal youth. Then all the chivalry of the ancient days, all the heroism, all the self-sacrifice that shaped itself into noble living, came back to us, poured over us, swept away the dross of selfishness and deception and petty scheming, and Patriotism rose from the swelling wave stately as a goddess. Patriotism that had been to us but a dingy and meaningless antiquity, took on a new form, a new mien, a countenance divinely fair and forever young, and received once more the homage of our hearts. Was that a childish outburst of excitement, or the glow of an aroused principle? Was it a puerile anger, or a manly indignation? Did we spring up startled pigmies, or girded giants? If the former, let us veil our faces, and march swiftly (and silently) to merciful forgetfulness. If the latter, shall we not lay aside ever weight, and this besetting sin of despondency, and run with patience the race set before us?

A true philosophy and a true religion make the way possible to us. The Most High ruleth in the kingdom of men and giveth it to whomsoever He will; and He never yet willed that a nation strong in means and battling for the right should be given over to a nation weak and battling for the wrong. Nations have their future--reward and penalty--in this world; and it is as certain as God lives that Providence and the heaviest battalions will prevail. We have had reverses, but no misfortune hath happened unto us but such as is common unto nations. Country has been sacrificed to partisanship. Early love has fallen away, and lukewarmness has taken its place. Unlimited enthusiasm has given place to limited stolidity. Disloyalty, overawed at first into quietude has lifted its head among us, and waxes wroth and ravening. There are dissensions at home worse than the guns of our foes. Some that did run well have faltered; some signal-lights have gone shamefully out, and some are lurid with a baleful glare. But unto this end were we born, and for this cause came we into the world. When shall greatness of soul stand forth, if not in evil times?[snip]

Let us show now what manner of people we are. Let us be clear-sighted and far-sighted to see how great is the issue that hangs upon the occasion. It is not a mere military reputation that is at stake, not the decay of a generation’s commerce, not the determination of this or that party to power. It is the question of the world that we have been set to answer. In the great conflict of ages, the long strife between right and wrong, between progress and sluggardy, through the providence of God we are placed in the vanguard. Three hundred years ago a world was unfolded for the battle-ground. Choice spirits came hither to level and intrench. Swords clashed and blood flowed, and the great reconnaissance was successfully made. Since then both sides have been gathering strength, marshalling forces, planting batteries, and to-day we are in the thick of the fray. Shall we fail? Men and women of America, will you fail? Shall the cause go by default? When a great Idea, that has been uplifted on the shoulders of generations, comes now to its Thermopylae, its glory-gate, and needs only stout hearts for its strong hands,--when the eyes of a great multitude are turned upon you, and the fates of dumb millions in the silent future rest with you,--when the suffering and sorrowful, the lowly, whose immortal hunger for justice gnaws at their hearts, who blindly see, but keenly feel, by their God-given instincts, that somehow you are working out their salvation, and the high-born, monarchs in the domain of the mind, who standing far off, see with prophetic eye the two courses that lie before you, one to the Uplands of vindicated Right, one to the Valley of the Shadow of Death, alike fasten upon you their hopes, their prayers, their tears,--will you, for a moment’s bodily comfort and rest and repose, grind all these expectations and hopes between the upper and nether millstone? Will you fail the world in this fateful hour by your faint-heartedness? Will you fail yourself, and put the knife to your own throat? For the peace which you so dearly buy shall bring to you neither ease nor rest.

Please read the rest. It is much the same today as in every war before.

Read other interesting stories about women in the Civil War.

Summary only...

Stirring Up The Hornets' Nest - Apt analogy and Stupid Argument All At The Same Time

On a previous post, It Has Changed Me For Better Or For Worse, a commenter, Robert, talked about his own anger and how it effected him. He also made a comment:

The anger I feel is not directed toward Arabs, but toward people that would kill me, my family, my fellow countrymen, or Western Civilization.

As fervently as I hope that no American will be hurt, just as fervently I hope for the well being of Iraqis.

I've said this before and I'll say it again. Anyone who thinks we truly want war is deluding themselves. I'd love to be able to just ignore thin[g]s like Iraq, but I don't think that's possible or responsible.

When I read this comment, I thought, "Yeah, all those people who want to claim that the war in Iraq is wrong because we might 'stir up the hornets' nest' and cause more people to hate us, really haven't got a clue about the reality in the middle east or the reality of our enemies."

The more I think about the anti-war crowd, the more I think that they are really afraid. When I say "anti-war", I am not talking about those idiots that march around who are truly anti-establishment and not really pacifist or have other political reasons that have really nothing to do with protesting the war in Iraq.

No..The anti-war that I am talking about are the people that want us to pull out of Iraq right now, or say that we shouldn't have gone there because we didn't really have a good reason or that we shouldn't have gone there because it didn't help the war on terror. It actually "stirred up the hornets' nest".

I like that saying "stirred up the hornets' nest". I think it is funny as all get out when these folks say that about how we will now have "more terrorists" because of this action and not less. It will cause more people from that region to hate us. Really? You think trying to get rid of the bad guys is going to make more bad guys? Don't these folks realize that the "hornets' nest" is already stirred up? You ever notice that they killed a couple thousand people already and are putting out websites saying they want to do it some more? Can you get anymore "stirred up" than that? What a stupid argument.

The Hornets' Nest:  A Modern Day Parable
By Kat-Missouri

First, the "hornets' nest" is a good analogy to describe the terrorists groupings and activities. However, what these people tend to forget about the "hornets' nest", is that the longer you leave it alone, the bigger it gets and the more hornets are bred or join the nest.

Eventually, that little nest that was up in the corner of your front porch with just 10 or so hornets flying around and you just killing 1 or so every other week, is now a giant nest with hundreds, if not thousands, of the little bastards flying around and every time you step out your door they are swarming around you, trying to sting you and you are trying to fend them off. Getting stung more and more often because you have now let the nest go for so long, that knocking it down and destroying it will be even more dangerous. Now, instead of just going over with a can of bug spray and a broom, you are going to have to come up with some sort of strategy to protect yourself and knock it down and kill as many of them as possible before they can sting the hell out of you.

And you know you have to do it, because your kids can't even go out the front door anymore for fear of being stung and your wife is bitching at you for not doing something sooner.

There's always that brilliant guy that comes up with the "long distance" plan. You know, the one that thinks he can just get the high pressure hose out and spray it from 10 ft away and knock it down, maybe drown a few hornets while he's at it? That's the guy that forgets that the little bastards can fly and as soon as he knocks the nest down, a couple of hundred of them start swarming all over and stinging the shit out of him. That always seems to be the guy dressed in a Hawaiian print shirt, a pair of shorts and some birkenstock sandals. He doesn't think much about protecting himself. And as soon as he starts getting stung, he runs for the house, with the hornets flying all around him, trying to get inside out of the way. Of course, several of them make it in the house with him and proceed to terrorize his family while he runs around with a rolled up newspaper trying to swat them.

And worst yet, he didn't really destroy the hornets' nest. It's still in the front yard, with hundreds of them, angry and swarming around, looking for their next victim. God forbid that one of his neighbors comes out to get in his car or the kids come out to play and now they are getting stung, too, because he didn't really have a plan.

Hornets and Terrorists

That's how I see our current situation with the "Islamist" terrorists. There was once a small problem. We ignored it because we thought, "hmmm..This isn't really a problem. They can't do much to us, some little group of terrorists. They are waaaaay over there and we can take them out whenever. We'll just swat them if they get too close." Then we thought, "Damn, I think those terrorists are getting a little big for their britches, stinging us at the first World Trade Center bombing, then they had to go blow up the Kenyon and Nairobi embassies, then the USS Cole. Let's go drop a long range tomahawk missile on them. We can knock out the big nest and maybe get a few of the terrorists at the same time. Wouldn't it be great if we knocked off the "queen" bee at the same time?"

And of course what happened was that it just pissed the terrorists off and they followed us back into our house, our country and proceeded to dive bomb our people and the rest of the hornets...er..Terrorists started swarming all over the area and neighbors, looking for soft targets to sting and planning for the next time we were stupid and thought we could do some half assed job of destroying them and protecting ourselves.

Back to the hornets' nest...

Now, the hornets' nest is in the front yard, still swarming with hornets. Some of them have flown off to join the other nests that were already being built under the eaves of the house, by the back door. The nest in the tree that hangs over the kids' swing set. The nest in the eaves of your neighbors house, next to the garage door. They were ignored and were able to spread out through the neighborhood. Now the little bastards are everywhere and a new plan is required. Now, the neighbors have to be called and tell them not to come outside or send their kids out to play because this freaking thing is in the yard and they will be in danger.

The wife is now suggesting that you should call the pest control people (the UN) and get them to come out and take care of the nest for you. You call them up and they tell you they won't be able to come out to your place for at least a week because they are booked solid and they are going to have a meeting (security council) to discuss which jobs are a priority. The guy on the other (Kofi annan) end suggests that you leave them alone and maybe they'll just fly off under their own volition. He can have somebody drive by and check the situation out (unmovic) but he won't be able to do anything until the meeting is over.

Then the big shocker: how much is it going to cost to get the pest control guys to come out and take care of it? The guy on the other end names off a figure that makes you a little dizzy because you are still trying to pay for that window that was broken last week and the car needs repair and your wife wants to go on vacation to Disneyland or something. So, you thank the guy kindly through clenched teeth and hang up the phone, cursing pest control guys and their stupid meetings. Now you need another plan.

So, you call up your neighbors. First the guy on the right(Mexico) and he says he doesn't want anything to do with it. His door and garage are on the other side of the house and he's not worried about it. Besides, haven't you pissed the hornets off enough?

Then you call the guy on your left (Canada) and he is pissed at you. You stupid bastard. Why couldn't you leave good enough alone? Now his kids and wife might get stung. Why don't you wait until the pest control guys (UN) can come and take care of it? You try to explain that this will take too long, but he doesn't want to hear it. He'll take care of the nest in his eaves his own way, but you are shit out of luck if you think he is going to come over and help get rid of the big one.

The whole time, the nest is still active...buzz, buzz, buzz...And the hornets are trying to figure out how to get in your house. You've shut the doors and windows, but the vents and the attic fan are still open and it's just a matter of time before they figure out how to get in.

You call the guy across the street with the Peugeot and Citroen in his garage (France). He too thinks you are a stupid bastard for messing with the hornets nest. If you had just left them alone, they would have gone about their business and hardly bothered you. Besides, he has a hornets' nest on his porch and he just swats them when they get too close. He also thinks that the hornets can change they're behavior if you introduce some different things into their environment; like classical music.  That should keep them calm.  He says that his grandfather swears by that technique. No need to try and destroy the nest. He also wants to collect the honey (oil) from the hive because it tastes really good on his baguettes in the morning. Why couldn't you have just done the same? Besides, why should he get stung for YOUR mess?

You tell the guy across the street that you were thinking about getting the pest control guys (UN) to come and take care of the problem. This really pisses him (France) off because you will destroy his ability to get honey (oil) you insensitive bastard. You thank him for his time, through clenched teeth and hang up the phone, not saying what you want to say because he is on the neighborhood association board (NATO) with you and you might need his vote on a few things later on.

You call the guy next to him with the BMW (Germany) just to find out that the Citroen character has already called him and he is against the plan as well. Don't call the pest control guys (UN) because he doesn't like them spraying shit around in the neighborhood and he will sue if they do. He's on the neighborhood association board (NATO) as well and he will start something if you don't listen to him. Then he tells you the kicker...Citroen guy and he are part owners of the pest control company (UN) and knows the other owners well and he can assure you that you will NOT be getting any help from the pest control guys. Not only that, but he is cultivating his own little hornets' nest and wants to try Citroen guy's plan of changing their behavior by being "nice" to the hornets. He's sure they won't sting him and his family if he just let's them be and walks softly around them. He needs that honey (oil) for his struessel in the morning. At most, he is willing to let you come over and get the tools (military bases) he borrowed from you out of the garage.

The nest is still active...buzz, buzz, buzz...a couple of the smart ones have figured out how to get into your vents and attic fans but they haven't made it into the main part of the house. Just a matter of time before they sting you and your family. The queen bee is busy laying eggs and creating more of the pesky little bastards while you are trying to figure out how to destroy the nest on your own.

In the meantime, your wife (Colin Powell) is after you to call the pest control guys (UN) again. She doesn't want to hear any excuses about Citroen guy owning a piece of the business. Really, you all have had block parties together and you helped him with his ground hog problem a couple of years back, he can hardly want to keep you from getting rid of your problem. She's sure that he will not block your attempt to get the pest control guys out. You just have to show him how bad the problem is. Take some pictures. Show them around. As a matter of fact, she will go fax the pictures to them while you make the call.

When she leaves the room, you call up your brother (Donald Rumsfeld) and tell him about your problem. He says he has a plan and he'll be right over. The wife (Colin Powell) comes back and tells you that the pictures went well and she is sure if you will just call the pest control guys, they'll be right over. So you pick up the phone and call the pest control guys. They cut you off in mid sentence..."Sorry, the owners already called and said that we were not to help you out. Really, we suggest that you leave them alone and they will eventually fly off."

You hang up the phone and give your wife the evil eye because she just made you look like a schmuck for calling when you KNEW that it wasn't going to happen. You can't be really mad at her because she was just trying to help, but dammit, this is not getting the job done. Just putting it off. She insists that she called Citroen guy's wife, Dominique, and she swore that she would talk him out of blocking the pest control guys. Whatever. The wife throws up her hands and goes into the kitchen to start making phone calls to the other wives in the neighborhood to see if their hubbies might be able to help out.

Your brother (Donald Rumsfeld) finally drives up and makes a dash for the back door with the plans in his hand. You grab some brewskies and start looking them over. He says all you need is a couple of guys, some protective clothing, gasoline, blow torch, the riding lawn mower with the snow plow part, trash can with a lid and maybe plan on getting some grass seed and fertilizer because you are going to have to repair the yard (middle east) when you get done burning the hornets' nest. You are like, "What?" "Yep," your brother says, "the only way to get rid of these little bastards is to blow the nest to kingdom come and burn it where it lays." Otherwise, you risk the hornets spreading out like before. His friend Paul (Wolfowitz) had been studying the idea for some time and he thinks you have to go after the hornets where they breed. The big nests.

You now explain to your brother that you have other nests growing as you speak, but he warns you to keep your eye on the ball and take care of one nest at a time. You can knock off the smaller nests when you are done.

About that time, your wife comes back from the kitchen and tells you that she has spoke to the people down the street. They are sure that their hubbies will help out because you went down last year and helped them get rid of their red ant problem. Right about then, you noticed that the other neighbor from across the street just drove up in his Santana (Spain). He just got home from work and maybe if you catch him in time, the asshole next to him won't have been able to call and talk to him, too. You get on the phone and sure enough, while you're talking to him about the plan, you can hear his wife (socialists) in the background, yelling at him not to get involved because the hornets might fly over there and attack their children too. They have enough of their own problems. The kids need him to spend more time at home. Why should he risk getting stung for that guy across the street?

You can hear Santana and his wife having a whispering argument muffled through the phone, but Santana comes back on line and tells you that he can help. Not much, because his wife is pissed, but maybe he can hold the trash bag or something. He has definitely been swatting a few too many hornets himself lately.

Pretty soon, the guy with the Aston Martin (UK) returns your call and he is willing to help out. He doesn't have much, but he's been worried about the hornets, too. Then the neighbors down the road whose red ant problem you helped them with. And that guy with the Ferrari (Italy). He's kind of flashy and has a big mouth, but he's sort of likeable after you get a few beers in him. They are all gungho. Definitely need to get rid of the hornets, too.

Now you've got your neighbors (coalition) and your stuff ready to go. You put on a long sleeve shirt and pants this time, with some gloves and work boots. You have some mosquito netting from your last camping trip over your head topped off with your Dad's old fishing hat. The rest of the guys are decked out in the similar stuff.

You tell your wife and kids to shut all the doors behind you when you go. Your oldest child is jumping up and down, telling you to go "kick some hornets' butt". He got stung when the hornets chased you into the house and he wants those hornets DEAD! Your second oldest just looks at you hoping you have a good plan, but thinks that it is going to go bad and wonders why you can't just leave the hornets nest in the front yard. Your youngest child has always worried you. He wraps his arms around your legs and starts pummeling you, demanding to know why you have to go and destroy the hornets. They aren't all bad hornets. They didn't ALL sting you. Besides, there's a snake (North Korea) in the backyard that you should kill first and Citroen guy gave his kid (Iran) an alligator (nukes) for Christmas and it got loose in the neighborhood. Shouldn't you be killing that thing first? He's also sure that stupid Jewish kid down the road sent the hornets over to colonize your front porch, just to see you kill them.

You look at your wife, "Hon..Please, get the kid. Maybe when he's older he will understand why the hornets have to be destroyed. We'll get to the snake and the alligator tomorrow. First, the hornets' nest"

You all march out to the garage and get your tools. You have your friend with the Aston Martin jump on the riding lawn mower. The damn thing is kind of old and you have to give it a push to pop the clutch. You grab the gasoline and the blow torch. Santana has the garbage can with the lid and your friends from down the road that used to have the red ant problem grab some rakes and a shovel. Your brother hands you a walk talky with low batteries and tells you he will direct your actions from the safety of his car.

In the meantime, your youngest child runs into the bedroom, grabs some crayons and paper and makes a sign that he hangs in your front picture window: HORNET KILLER! Your oldest child is cheering you on and the middle one just stares at you through the window, sure that you are going to make the hornets mad and they will just get stung some more. The middle child and the youngest child are already imagining getting a step daddy that won't go messing with the hornets and will stay inside and play with them. Your wife is looking through the file cabinets for the health and life insurance should something happen to you.

Your neighbors are all looking out their windows, staring at you and waiting for you to get stung. They are thinking that it is going to be real funny to watch you get stung. Some even have their video cameras out, so they can record you killing the innocent hornets and getting stung. This will make one hell of a story to play on the 6 o'clock news.

Finally, you push on to the hornets nest. Quick as lightning, you dowse the nest with gasoline. Then you blow torch it and watch it go up in flames. Hundreds of the little bastards get burnt up instantly. Some start flying off and others try to attack you and your friends. Everyone is smacking them as fast as they can. Finally, the fire burns down and your friend on the lawn mower, uses the snow plow to push the hornet's nest towards the trash can and the guys from down the street with shovels and rakes push it into the trash can that Santana is holding.

Suddenly, Santana's wife screams. Two of the children were stung by some hornets that made it over to their house. She is now yelling at him to get his ass back to the house. She has already called a lawyer and is arranging to divorce him for getting involved with that bastard across the street and endangering their children. The poor schmuck tries to explain that the kids would have gotten stung sooner or later if he didn't help with the hornets' nest, but she is having no part of it. He drops the lid on the trash can and starts walking away. You feel for the guy, but you already knew he was going to get a divorce because his wife had been fooling around with the pool guy (Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero's Socialist Party) for the last year and you just didn't have the heart to tell him.

Aston Martin's wife is yelling at him, too. Did he get stung? No. Well neither did she or the kids. Why did he put himself in danger when they could have been safe and sound in their house? What if the hornets now come down the street and get them? Aston Martin just rolls his eyes and waves to the wife. "I'll explain it later", he says.

In the meantime, your brother walks over with a friend (George) who had been hiding in the car. His friend is an expert on hornets, he thinks. He looks down at the blackened nest and pronounces, "The queen bee isn't here." You are like, "What?!" "Sorry", he replies, "you must have missed her." Now your eyes start flying around to the other hornets' nests in the yard, wondering which one she ran off to and which one you should knock down next. Just then, your brother in law (Bremer) pulls up in his pick up truck. Your wife must have called him. He walks over and looks down at the big black spot in the yard (middle east). "Damn. I didn't think you would make this big of a mess. I only brought a scoop of seed and a handful of fertilizer."

You look a little cross at him, because you are still trying to figure out the next move to get rid of the rest of the hornets and he is talking about fixing the yard. But, you know you have to do it because, if you don't, the neighborhood association (NATO) is going to send you letters and start trying to fine you for making their area look bad. And they'll do it too, because you have now just made them look like a bunch of punks for just hanging out in their houses while you killed the hornets not to mention their pet project of cultivating hornets might be messed up.

You turn to your brother in law (bremer) and ask him what it will take. He starts reeling off a list of stuff a mile long. You can't just plant some seed and fertilize it and expect the yard to look nice. You are going to have to take up the whole section, roots and all, put down some new dirt (reconstruction), some sod (new government), some weed killer (democracy), a large amount of fertilizer (money) and you don't have all the tools for that. You ask brother in law how much it will cost. After hem-hawing around a few minutes, he tells you a figure.

Well, CRAP! The car repairs are definitely going to have to wait and the wife is going to be PISSED when you tell her that the vacation is off. They are just going to have to stay home and enjoy the pool. You look over at the picture window and wave to your wife at which time you notice that the window is half full of crayon signs saying: YOU LIED! HORNETS DIED! HORNET KILLER! IT'S A ZIONIST PLOT TO TAKE OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD! IT'S ALL ABOUT THE HONEY! WE WANT A NEW DADDY! KERRY FOR DADDY! (WTF?) Who is Kerry? You definitely need to talk to your wife. Your youngest child is in serious need of some therapy.

You tell the brother in law to get started and write him a check. Aston Martin says he'll leave the tools there, but he has got to go home and try to explain to the wife why the hornets had to be killed. Your other friends, who had the red ant problem, are busily cleaning up whatever they can and swatting a few hornets that are still buzzing in the area.

You turn to your brother, Donald, and tell him to come over tomorrow. You need to start planning to get rid of the other hornets. You ask him if he knows anybody that can coral a snake and lasso an alligator. He thinks he has some people in his palm pilot that might be able to do the job for cheap. Then, trudge into the house. You look like hell because you took a few stings to the face and neck where you weren't well protected. The oldest child runs over and gives you a hug. You're a hero and they wouldn't trade you for another Daddy in the whole world. The middle child looks at you and nearly feints. You were stung, just like they told you would happen and you didn't get the queen bee. What good was destroying the hornets nest if you didn't get the queen bee? Maybe a new, smarter Daddy is a good idea. Maybe the new Daddy could figure out how to do it without getting stung. Whatever. You are sure they might come around with some explanation and you put that in the back of your mind to take care of tomorrow.

The youngest is still marching around with signs, chanting. You take them upstairs because it's bed time and when you open the door, they have pictures of Che Gueverra, Fidel Castro and Michael Moore posted on the wall. Worst yet is the Palestinian flag and the little doll with a yamuka on it's head and some stick pins all over it. This kid is definitely going to therapy. First thing in the morning if you can help it.

You go into the bathroom and doctor up your stings. The wife (Colin Powell) comes in and tells you that she is still trying to talk to Dominique and Helga to convince them that the hornet killing fest was a good idea and that they should talk their husbands into getting rid of their hornets, too. You grunt and continue to fix up the stings, thinking, "that will be a cold day in hell." But you know that those hornets are going to have to go too, if the neighborhood is going to be safe again. This is going to be a long, hard row to hoe. You wonder if your raise will cover all the damages?

Finally,  you sit down in the recliner with a brewskie and the remote control.  Need to catch some news and relax.  You hit the first channel, CNN (Communist News Network).  What the hell?  Your youngest child has been playing with the remote again.  The screen shows a few clips of you setting the nest on fire and then your friends swinging their arms wildly at what appears to be nothing in the air.  The reporter comes on, "Neighborhood was turned into an inferno today when a resident decided to kill a few bees that were alledgedly stinging his family.  Bees are indigenous to the area and have lived there for a long time.  Some of the neighbors were shocked to see the bees attacked so viciously.  Reports from the local vetenarians hospital, where the injured and dead bees were taken by some of the concerned neighbors, indicate that most of the bees were just drones going about their business when they were attacked by the angry resident with fire for no apparent reason.  As many as 2 million innocent drone bees might have been killed.  The angry resident was stung by the resistance bees and had to be taken to the hospital.  Unsure of his condition at this time.  Back to you, Christiana."

Uhhh...Were these guys talking about your neighborhood and the HORNETS that had been stinging you and your family for weeks?  Who were they talking about?  Innocent drone bees?  Were there any such thing?  Who the hell went to the hospital? 

Click to the next channel:  Hornet TV (Al-Jazeera).  That's it!  If that little pain in the ass touches the remote again, you are going to have to spank him!  Reporter Hornet comes on: "Buzzzzzz, buzz-buzz-buzz, buzzzz..."  You turn on the caption just as a close up picture of a hornets' nest on fire and burning and burnt hornets laying on the ground comes on the TV.  The caption reads: "Millions upon millions of of innocent drones were murdered today by an ugly, mean giant who wanted the hornets' nest for himself.   Hornets at the scene report that the giant killed mostly female drones and baby drones without stingers.   The angry hornets report that there were no militant drones with stingers in the area at that time. " 

Cut to a scene with hornets in balaclavas and headbands. "The hornets are swearing vengeance on the ugly, mean giant.  They promise to sting the giant's children in their eyes, nose and mouth until their heads swell up and fall off.  The spiritual hornet, Buzzallah Buzzamed, has issued a buzzwa against all ugly, mean giants everywhere and calls for all true hornets to rise up and sting the giants where ever they are.  Stinging the giants until their heads swell up and fall off is condoned by the holy hornet book, the Buzran."  Cut to a scene of Santana's house, with the children running around and close up of the hornets stinging them repeatedly and then falling to the ground.  "The hornet resistance killed three thousand giants today in honorable hornet resistance.  Buzzallah Buzzamed gives prayers for the martyred hornets that give their lives in the name of Buzzallah, by martyring themselves when the stinger is lost.  Buzzallah bless them."

Ok...This is really buzzarre.  Innocent hornets?  Just a bunch of female drones and baby drones with no stingers?  Three thousand "giants" killed?  Where the hell were they reporting from?  Report continues:

"Hornets, mud daubbers, wasps and other bees from the area are sending aid to the families of the martyred hornets.   Some are packing now to go help their fellow resistance hornets against the giants. "

Shit!   Alright, Citroen guy was partly right about stirring up the hornets' nest, but what were you supposed to do?  Stand around and watch the nest get bigger until it took over your whole front porch?   Wait until your family was stung so bad they had to go to the hospital?  Maybe you could have just moved out and let the hornets have your house?

Click on Fox Watch.  Reporter, "In a stunning victory over the evil hornets, one resident finally took it upon himself to destroy the hornets nest on his front porch.  Reports indicate that as many as one thousand hornets were killed today.  Anonymous sources, close to the resident, indicates that the queen bee got away.  Sources indicate that additional assistance from other neighbors may be required to find and destroy the rest of the hornets' nests.  Supplies and money for such a project are low, but the sources say they will continue to strike the hornets where ever they are found.   Fox Watch was able to obtain secret recordings of Citroen guy calling the pest control guys and telling them not to assist the resident with his problem.  According to anonymous sources at the pest control headquarters, the pest control guys were more than willing to abstain from assisting the resident as secret documents show they were taking pay offs from the hornets in honey.

In other news, a Jewish boy in the neighborhood had to be taken to the hospital when he suddenly fell down on the ground clutching his head.  According to his parents, he had been complaining of pain for several days.   Later, a lone hornet apparently made it into their house and stung the boy in the face.  He is in stable condition and his parents are planning to put up hornet blocking screens all through the house to insure that the hornets never get in again."

Ok...Now you've had enough of this crap.  Time for bed.  You are going to have to get up early and finish taking care of the hornets.  Then there's the yard to be fixed up and you hope like hell your brother knows somebody who can take care of a snake and an alligator roaming around.   How are you going to convince that dumbass across the road that hornets don't make honey, honey bees do and he needs to get off his ass and help you get rid of the hornets at his house?  Doesn't he know that only honey bees can be cultivated?  Hornets don't do anything but sting you?

You lay down in bed, next to the wife who has her back to you.  She's pissed now because you and your stupid hornet escapade has made her friends mad at her.  Whatever.  You turn off the light and close your eyes.  Just as you drift off to sleep...buzzzz, buzzzzz, buzzzzz.  Dammit!   Some of the bees have made it into your house.  Add that to your list of things to track down in the morning.  Maybe you should just create your own "hornet watcher group" who will help you track down the hornets?  Does anybody speak buzz?  You are definitely going to make sure that the hornets don't come back to your neighborhood and sting you or your family.  Even if it's only you who goes around with the gasoline and the blow torch.

Now close your eyes.  You have a lot of work to do tomorrow.

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