Beverly Hillbilly Bikers - You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet!

Day 2

It was a beautiful morning. I had just topped one of the high points in the Arkansas Mountains and was looking down on the rolling hills below me. The winding highway twisting and turning, running in and out from behind hills and between knolls, sending a thrill through me. I could feel my arms and legs tingle. I was holding my breath a little and then let it out it a long gasp, not just seeing the beauty before me, but FEELING it. It was green, so green with a little ribbon of gray, almost white road running through it. Above it, cloudless blue. A slight haze was over it all, whether from the heat or the misty fog that hadn’t burned off, I didn’t know.

I gave the throttle a twist and started down from the top. It was like a slalom run, swishing back and forth: left; straighten up; right; straighten up. The sun was warm on the right side of my face. No, it was like dancing with the road, my legs were the 850cc engine between them. As I came into the first curve, I geared down, leaning the bike to the right as far as I dared and, just as I was reaching the apex of the curve, I twisted the throttle again, making the engine wind up, giving it just enough energy to keep it at that angle as I rode out of that curve, straightened up and then geared down again, the motor making a deep rumbling sound down in it’s pipes as I let off the throttle and started leaning to the left.

It was like dancing. Dancing with someone that knows your every move, smooth and in time. I felt my hair tickle my neck. We were twisting and turning again. The breeze was cool in the warm morning sun, but strangely gentle for the speed I was going. I was into the next curve then, gearing down, leaning tightly to the right again, breathing deeply as I went into the turn, holding it through the apex as I pulled the throttle back again, ten letting it out in a gush as I turned out. Now the left turn, gear down…

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! (in quick succession)

What the hell? I glanced down at the bike.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Fuck! The bike lost power and suddenly straightened up in the curve. Suddenly, the wind was howling in my ears and terror made my heart beat like it was trying fly out of my chest. I tried to brake, but got no response.

BANG! BANG! BANG!…..BANG!

Dammit! I saw the slope drop off on the right hand side of the road. Down into greenish grayness that disappeared into the haze below. I kept thinking, “This is it. I’m going to die on some fucking back woods, hillbilly, fucked up road in Arkansas and nobody is going to know because I’m the only idiot riding this morning.” The bike kept going straight as the road curved more to the left. Just then, the road came to an abrupt end beneath my front tire.

BANG! BANG! BANG!…BANG!

“Kat! Open up!”

Open up? Open what up? I just fell God knows how many feet and you want me to “open up?” I wanted to curse, but my lips felt frozen.

BANG! BANG!

“Kat! Open up! I need your keys!”

What the fuck? I’m dying and you want my keys?

BANG! BANG!

“KAAAAATTTT!!!!”

The long plaintiff voice finally dragged my eyes open to half-mast where I peered out into the valley. Not really a valley. It was the edge of a bed and I was looking down into the crevice between the two queen size beds that occupied the room.

BANG! BANG!

I rolled back a little and peered at the clock on the bedside table. 7:30 AM. Somebody was banging on my fucking door at 7:30 AM! What the hell?

I flopped over on my back, loath to kick the warm covers away. It had been hot the night before so I’d turned up the air conditioner and crawled under the blankets. Just the way I like it with the warm covers up to my chin and a cool breeze on my face. I peered towards the big window with the black out curtains. They were letting in just enough sun around the edges to make me squint. I could see the door in my periphery vision.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

“Kat! Dammit! I need your keys!” It was my cousin Candy and she was sounding about as grouchy as I was feeling right then.

“Alright! Alright! Just a damn minute!” I yawned and stretched, sitting up on the bed and rubbing my eyes, trying to focus.

7:30 AM! We hadn’t even got to the hotel rooms until 1:00 AM and that was after 9 hours of hard riding, fighting the heat and the hot wind. THEN, waiting by the hospital emergency room door for any word of what was happening; finally getting told they had admitted my uncle to the hospital. Somebody had suggested that we just take our tents and pitch them on the grassy knoll beside the hospital. I and several others vetoes that for one of several reasons, not the least being that I really wanted a shower after that stinky, sweaty and mucky day. I also wanted a bed. I didn’t know how badly I would want a bed on that first night.

Besides, pitching tents beside the hospital was even too hillbilly for us.

We’d finally unpacked everything, chained the bikes together and I had laid down on the bed waiting for my turn in the shower.

Must not forget, when we found the only hotel in town, it only had a few vacancies so we paired up couples to share rooms. Well, except me. In which case, I told my bro I’d share a room with him and his wife. It was cheaper that way since it was an unplanned hotel room night.

It was on one condition: I’d better not hear any animal noises coming from that side of the room while I was trying to sleep. I guaranteed them that I was not going to act all polite and pretend I didn’t hear anything if I did. My sister in law was embarrassed, but my bro just laughed. He can laugh all he wanted, but that was one thing I was drawing the line at.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

“Kat! Get up! I need your keys!” She was wailing again. Probably waking up the whole damn hotel.

“Alright! Dammit, I’m coming! Stop banging on the freaking door!” I pushed myself up and stumbled towards the door, fumbling with the locks. I jerked the door open and the sun nearly blinded me. “What!?” I’m never a good “morning” person and it’s even worse if I don’t get my can of caffeine before I have to talk to somebody. I glared at my cousin who was looking about as good as I felt: rumpled and grumpy.

“I need your keys.” She stated in a more moderate voice.

“What for? We took all the stuff out last night.” Since most of it had been in the bed of the truck, everyone had taken their stuff to their rooms for security.

“I need to go to the hospital.” She was looking exasperated because she had to tell me a reason.

“Hospital? The damn things not even a block away. You couldn’t walk?” I KNOW she wasn’t banging on my door for 10 minutes when she could have walked there in that time.

“I have to pick up dad and mom.” She said, holding her hand out for the keys.

I was very confused. Her dad had just been admitted last night and they were talking about holding him for at least 24 hours, if not 48 and I said so.

“Dad signed himself out this morning. He made mom call over and get me up so I could come and get them. He says he wants to go down the road.” She was getting impatient, switching from leg to leg, standing in the doorway.

“Fuck that! He was admitted to the hospital. He almost died. We’re not going down the road!” Not only was I pissed about being woken up this was pissing me off more. What the hell was wrong with these people?

“You’re not the boss!” She was suddenly angry and getting red in the face.

“I’m the boss of that fucking truck and it’s not going down the road today!” We were starting to shout again. I saw my other cousins come out of their room they had shared with Candy and Robert. Just then, there was a moan from the other side of the room. The kind that said, “shut the door, your letting in the light and you’re too damned noisy” just as the pull the pillow over their head.

“You’re not the boss!” She shouted again. “It’s my dad’s trip and if he wants to go down the road, we’re going to go. Just because you’re the oldest of us kids (we were all adults by the way), doesn’t make you the boss!”

“What the hell is wrong with you? Being the oldest hasn’t got a damned thing to do with having a freaking brain and being responsible. It is NOT responsible for us to take your dad down the road in the middle of nowhere after he just had some sort of seizure. I don’t think he could even ride for a long distance in the truck.” Why is the world filled with stubborn, moronic people?

“Dad won’t ride in the truck. He insists he is going to ride his bike.” So there! She was saying.

“Well that’s great! The guy that just about died last night and who always insists on being in the lead wants to go down the road on his bike so he can really die this time and take the rest of us with him!” Let me repeat, morons.

“We’re going! If Dad wants to go, we’re going!” She was emphatic. I still wonder today when she will ever grow up and stand up to her dad.

“Maybe you are, but my truck isn’t. You wanna go? Strap your crap on your bike and move on. The truck stays here!” This was getting ridiculous.

“You’re not the boss of everyone!” That again.

“No. I’m not. But, apparently, I’m the only adult here still able to reason and act responsibly. If you’re not grown up enough to tell your dad, “no”, then I’ll do it.” I shut the door in her face. I was good and grumpy then, but also good and awake. I stomped over to the sink and began to brush my teeth and comb my hair. I was looking like a wreck, but I was going to go over to the hospital and wring a peel over these people’s heads.

“What’s going on?” My brother groused from the other queen size bed.

“What? You couldn’t hear? Never mind.” I was in too much of a hurry to get going to the hospital.

I finished dressing in the bathroom and went outside. Mikey, his wife and Candy were standing outside my door. They had both waited outside until I came out.

“What are you doing?” My cousin Candy.

“I’m going to pick up your mom and dad, what’s it look like?” I was walking down the catwalk to the stairs.

“Hey! You know, if uncle Louis wants to go, he can make up his own mind. I know WE want to go.” My cousin Mikey, sounding reasonable, but joining the ranks of the boneheads.

“Dude, if you want to go, go. I mean, I know we all saved and did all kinds of stuff to go on this vacation, but I don’t want to continue on, have uncle Louis drop dead and then be haunted by the fact that, if only somebody had been half way responsible, it would have been fine. Not to mention, I really don’t want to have to tell my dad, your mom or our grandma, not to mention Louis Jr, that Louis Sr. died because we’re a bunch of idiots.”

That put a scowl on Mikey’s face. Oh yes, I was pissing everyone off already and it wasn’t even 8 AM.

“Well, this may be the only vacation I ever take like this in a long time and I want to enjoy it. I had plans.” It probably was the only vacation like this they’d get again. They had three kids and Sandra had just been diagnosed with a debilitating disease. I did feel for him.

“That’s cool. You don’t have to stay here. I just think we should. At least for a few days. Once everything is cool, we can decide what to do. In the meantime, my bro picked up some brochures about white water rafting and some of the back roads we could ride around here locally. There are a ton of things we could do, including riding. See my bro and think about it, okay?” I kept going down the stairs. I had to go because I knew uncle Louis would be getting impatient.

I jumped in the truck and drove over to the hospital quickly. I saw my aunt and uncle outside, my uncle in a wheelchair and my aunt behind him. He was all slumped over in the wheelchair like he couldn’t hold himself up. I was pissed all over again. I braked and threw the car out of gear, throwing open the door and jumping out to stroll purposefully over to where they were waiting. Half-way there, I couldn’t hold it in anymore, “What’s this crap about going down the road?” No, I wasn’t going to be diplomatic. “You were just in the hospital, dammit! Don’t you think…”

Aunt Jeanie cut me off, “Hold it, Kat!” She was holding her hand up. “We’re not going down the road.”

That brought me up short, “We’re not?”

“No. I already talked to Louis and told him he was in no condition to go on a long trip, even if he rode in the truck. He just wants to go to Heidi’s and recuperate there. We haven’t really seen her in a couple of years except flying visits.” Now that sounded reasonable.

“Oh. Okay. It’s just Candy came to my room this morning and got into a big argument with me about it and I just KNEW we couldn’t be talking that crazy. No offense.” I was so damned relieved. Somebody had some common sense left.

I helped her get uncle Louis in the truck, she pushing and me pulling. We drove over to the hotel. Candy and Robert had offered them their room to rest in for awhile while the rest of us got up and got our stuff together. We pulled up to the hotel. Mikey and Robert came over to help uncle Louis out. Candy was hopping back and forth on either foot, acting impatient. When Aunt Jeanie came around the hood of the truck, Candy pounced, “Mom, Kat said she wasn’t going to let us take her truck down the road.” She always was a little tattle tale.

Aunt Jeanie held her hand up, “I know what was said. We’re not going down the road.”

“We’re not?” The others all echoed surprised.

“No, we’re not. At least not today. Your dad is in no condition to go, even in the truck.”
Everyone looked disappointed. The scowls were directed my way. I couldn’t help but smirk. Not that I was in anyway the deciding factor in that earlier decision, but, when you’re right, you’re right. “Your dad just wants to rest a few minutes and then go get breakfast. We heard the hotel has a restaurant downstairs that does a buffet.”

Ahhh…the magic word: buffet.

You ever see what swarm of locusts can do to a crop? That would be the crew I was with. When they went down the buffet line, you were lucky if you had a metal hot dish left, much less any food.

Everyone went back to the rooms. I wanted to get a shower since I hadn’t gotten a chance the night before, having fell asleep. As we went back to our rooms, there was a few grumblings and dark looks tossed my way. Candy was still mumbling something about me being bossy.

We met down at the restaurant and were seated at a long table. Heidi had come up to join us since she was only fifteen more minutes away. The buffet suffered just as I predicted. I don’t think they normally got that kind of business, even during the summer when they would be full up with the over flow from the nearby Willamina Resort. The manager seemed to be a bit flustered.

The conversation at the table was stilted at first. A few comments were thrown my way. I mostly ignored them. Mikey seemed intent on going ahead. My bro wanted to, as well, but I could tell that he didn’t want to go if I didn’t. Our dad had always taught us to stick together. My suggestion was to hang out a few days, make sure everything was cool and then we could go on and do whatever we wanted. Our trip wouldn’t be as far as we had planned, but it was never etched in stone anyway. Aunt Jeanie did most of the talking for her and Uncle Louis. Her thoughts were that they didn’t know if he could keep going, but he did want to rest a day or so and then see if he could ride in the truck at least until he got his strength up.

It seemed settled then. We were going to go down to Heidi’s and spend a few days. She was effusive about her place. It was out in the country. Very few neighbors. Big yard we could camp in and she’d love for us to meet her kids. She and her husband lived with their in-laws. She said she had iced tea in the refrigerator and, of course, we could use their bathroom.

That seemed to settle it. We packed all of our stuff in the truck. Uncle Lou and aunt Jeanie drove, Heidi riding with them. Uncle Lou gave Robert the keys to his bike to ride over.

We drove about fifteen minutes and took a couple of turns down some side roads, finally driving down a gravel road. If you’ve never done it before, riding motorcycles on a gravel road is very challenging. Particularly, if you are following a truck throwing up dust and gravel. And, the road is full of potholes.

We turned onto Heidi’s drive and then pulled into the yard.

My first thoughts were, “Woah! This doesn’t look like what she was describing.” The house was beat. Not just a little beat, but a lot. There were some holes in the sides. Not that you could see INTO the house, but you could certainly see the frame in a few places. The house itself had once been white, but was now a dirty and dingy gray. There were about four dogs and a couple of scrawny cats running around.

By the time we got there, I had to use the bathroom, especially after loading up on coffee. So did a number of other people. I unloaded some of my stuff from the truck and started setting up camp while I waited my turn. No one seemed to take very long inside and I was happy when my brother came out quickly. It was my turn and I had to go.

As I passed my brother on the way in, he stopped me for a minute, “Umm…watch out for spiders.” My bro is deathly afraid of spiders. As a matter of fact, spiders can make him scream like a girl. Literally.

“What?” I did break stride. Not because I’m that afraid of spiders, but because it seemed to be a kind of weird thing to say right then.

“Watch out for spiders.” He said again, “And, you can’t throw any toilet paper in the toilet.”

“Right.” I thought he was pulling my leg.

“No. Seriously, there are spider webs all over and Heidi says the septic won’t take the paper.” Damn! He was serious.

“Okay.” Now I was starting to wish we’d stayed at the hotel.

I went up to the house and walked in the front door; and froze. There was an awful smell in the house. Like thirty wet dogs had rolled around in it, over and over again. It assaulted me and made me nearly gag. I started to step back out the door at that point, contemplating if the great outdoors wouldn’t be safer. Heidi caught me at the door, “Kat! Come on in! These are my in laws,” she proceeded to introduce them, “Would you like some iced tea?”

She was walking towards the kitchen on the right. I glanced in there and there were dishes piled up everywhere. Crud and mold. My eyes started taking in the rest of the place. Hol-lee shiiit! The place should have been condemned. It stank so bad because they did have a bunch of wet dogs running around. The house had no air conditioning and it was about 100* inside. I felt my mouth starting to water in that very dangerous way. “No thanks. Really. I just need to use the bathroom. Which way is it?”

By then, I had to go very badly. I was considering my options too. The bathroom was probably not in any better shape. However, I had experience in stopping at every kind of hell hole gas station on earth (you take what you can get), so I figured I could hack it. She showed me the restroom. I went in. Sure enough there were fairly large spider webs in the shower area and some other areas.

Heidi, like a good hostess, was standing outside the bathroom, “Let me know if you need anything.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that.” Obviously, I couldn’t just turn around and walk out of there. So I took my time and did the best I could not to touch anything. But, I couldn’t bring myself to throw the toilet paper in the trash. I figured it wouldn’t hurt this one time and dropped it in the toilet. Then I went to wash my hands. The sink had no running water. Now I knew why the tub had cobwebs in it. The only running water in the place was the toilet.

Crap! I meant that literally. I knew I should have stayed at the hotel. Now what the hell were we going to do?

I came out and walked into the main living area where I noticed that the carpet was covered in little pieces of paper and crud and some other stuff I didn’t want to know about. “Are you sure you don’t want any tea?”

“No, no, really. I’ve got water out in the truck and I think I need to keep drinking it.” I didn’t add, for my own safety. “Whew! It’s hot in here. I think I’ll go on outside. There’s a bit of a breeze out today.” Well, not really, but I had to think of something before I threw up right there. “Hey, do you have a hose or something I could borrow.”

“Sure,” she said with a smile and took me around the side of the house. I went back to my duffle bag, grabbed my anti-bacterial soap and scrubbed.

My brother came over, “You thought I was joking?”

“Dude, that is just disgusting. I mean, I know I’m not the neatest person in the world, but that is…” I trailed off. I noticed my aunt and uncle coming over. They were talking about setting up camp.

The front yard was very spacious. To the left of the house was a burned out trailer. I discovered that Heidi and her husband and kids were living with her in-laws because their trailer had burned down a couple of months before due to an electrical problem. Well, at least it wasn’t HER place, but still…

Mikey and Sandra took their tent to the far side of the yard, at least 20 yards away; for privacy. My bro and Mer went in the opposite direction. Aunt and Uncle was taking up a central position around a fire pit. I decided I would do the same. So did Candy and Robert.

Candy and Robert began to set up their tent. Everyone in our group had taken a few spare dollars and went and bought a cheap dome tent. You know the kind where you snap the elastic poles together, stick them through the slots, bend them into place and “presto” one domed tent? Not Robert and Candy. They had gotten their mom and dad’s old tent. The kind of tent with color-coded poles and slots that took about 20 minutes to set up and that’s if you knew what you were doing.

“These are the “brown” ones.”

“That’s too many.”

“What do you mean “too many”?”

“There aren’t supposed to be that many. You must have another color in there.”

“No I don’t. See? They’re all brown.”

“No, that one’s black.”

“Which one?”

“That one.”

“No it’s not.”

“Yes, it is.”

“Give me the instructions.”

“No, I’m reading them. You just get the poles together the way they’re supposed to.”

“I want to see!”
“Here, you freaking baby!”

“I’m not a baby!”

“Yes, you are!” Robert turned away for a moment, but not fast enough to hide his grumblings, “This is stupid.”

“What did you say? I’m stupid?”

“No, I didn’t…yes, you’re being stupid. Now give me the directions.”

“I’m not stupid, you are!”

“No, you are.”

I was sitting in my lounge chair outside my tent, sipping my water cautiously (I was hoping not to have to go to the bathroom until tomorrow when I could pretend to sneak up the road to the gas station for some gas), watching it. It was like watching the three stooges, minus Larry. Any moment I expected one of them to wipe their face repeatedly and say, “Woop, woop, woop! Them’s foiytting words,” and try to poke the other one’s eyes out.

From my left, I heard an ear-piercing whistle. “Give ME the instructions. I don’t understand how you two can’t put up a simple tent. Your dad and I have done it a million times in fifteen minutes or less.” Aunt Jeanie held out her hand.

The other two stood there glaring at each other for a few seconds, then reluctantly handed the instructions over like recalcitrant children.

“Ahhh, Aunt Jeanie,” I laughed, “it was just getting entertaining.”

Everyone started laughing. Except Candy and Robert. They continued to stomp around, glaring at each other, mumbling “you’re stupid” and “no, you are” while my aunt directed them and got their tent set up.

Mikey and his wife and my bro and his wife had pulled chairs up to the fire pit we’d made. We were talking about driving over to the lake the next day and swimming. Heidi had finished feeding her kids and came out to join us. It was starting to be evening. You could hear the sounds of the woods. Some wild dogs were yapping, the crickets were chirping and an occasional Hoot Owl spoke up. Heidi noted the tents of the younger couples spread out. “Are you sure you guys want to put your tents out there?” Both tents were near to the burned out trailer in the vast side yard.

“Sure,” Mikey replied, “We’ll be just fine.” He slapped his wife on the leg and she blushed. “We already got some wood to build a fire with later.” The first night they could be “alone” without a room mate or their kids.

“Suit yourself,” Heidi responded, “I just thought you should know that last week a big mountain lion jumped out of the trailer and nearly scared me to death.”

Mer and Sandra both sat up, “A mountain lion?”

“Yeah, we’ve got a few runnin’ around here. Killed one or two of those wild dogs you keep hearing.” She was serious as she sipped her tea.

Mikey and my bro just brushed it aside, “Those mountain lions aren’t going to come around here. Besides, I’ll get a big fire going and they’ll stay away.” This was Mikey.

“Suit yourself.” Heidi responded again.

A little later, Mikey and my bro went to find some more firewood. We were all talking about turning in. The last two days had been exhausting and with little sleep. Just about then, out of the woods behind the house, a big, “Yawaoooorrrr!” echoed. Mikey and my bro both froze where they were standing, somewhere close to the edge of the yard where the big brush was and where they had been gathering wood.

“Sandra!”

“Mer!”

They had their wives come over and grab a side of the tent, all their belongings still in them, and carry them over to our growing tent circle. Heidi just sipped her tea, “Told ya’.”

A little bit later we all turned in. Everyone zipped the tents shut. We had all faced our openings away from the fire so we could leave the mesh part open. I was getting comfortable on my quick set cot with a little air mattress (the size of a full body pool float) and a light sheet I had had the fore sight to pack considering the heat. I snuggled down on my little travel pillow and closed my eyes.

Ahhhh. I’d made it the whole day without having to go to the restroom again. Probably a sign of the dehydration I’d suffered the day before considering the amount of water I had drank.

“AAAAAUUUUUGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” a blood curdling scream came out of my brother’s tent. “Son of a bitch!”

I could hear everyone scrambling out of the tents. I jumped up and unzipped my tent, climbing out of the tents quickly. I looked over the top of my tent. My bro was standing on the other side of the tent, holding a piece of firewood over his head, the whites of his eyes showing, his head jerking from left to right.

“Dude, what’s up?” “What happened?’ Everyone was speaking at once.

He was almost incoherent, “I was laying there…this big shadow…the side of the tent…raised up,” he put his arms up above his head, “jumped on my head! Mountain Lion!”

“What?” Everyone started looking around frantically for this big cat, moving towards the fire.

“Bwaahahahahahahahaaaaa!” His wife started laughing hysterically.

We were all looking at her strangely. She had been inside the tent with him when it happened so we knew it wasn’t her.

“It’s not funny!” My bro yelled at her.

“Ahhhahahahahahahahahaaa!” She couldn’t stop laughing. She bent over from the middle she was laughing so hard. Then she stood up and she had this little scrawny kitten in her hands. “Ah-ha…Ah-ha…Ah-hahahahhaaa…it was…so…funny,” she was gasping for breath between her laughter, “your brother…hahahaha….was moving around…(cough, cough, gasp) …and the cat saw his shadow…Ahahahaha…it wanted to play! Ah-hhahahahahahahaaa!” She almost couldn’t talk she was laughing so hard. “It raised up…ahahahaa…the light from the house….hahaha…cast a shadow over the tent…bwaahahahahaaaaaa…and …(cough, cough, gasp)…it pounced on his head! Bwaahahahahahahaaa!”

My bro done thought he’d been et’ by-a mountain lion.

Yep.

He shorely did.